Exclusive: Tom Cruise

Set dressers on the new Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie returning after a weekend off received a bit of a shock... the Nazis had disappeared from Berlin.

Valkyrie is centered around the attempted assassination of Adolph Hitler, with Cruise in the role of Claus von Stauffenberg, later executed for attempting to kill the Fuhrer with two suitcase bombs in 1944. [We're not giving anything away as this is based on a real events. Hitler dies in the end, and the 1000-year Reich perished after just 12 years.)

An insider informed the beleaguered set dressers that the images of the Third Reich had not been stolen but were ordered down 'by some one on high'.

Apparently a wedding reception had taken place over the weekend in a hotel opposite the set. Searching for a bit of lebensraum the bride and groom accompanied by their entourage (all Jews) ambled out on to the terrace to take in all the sights Berlin had to offer.

Nein! Nein! Nein!

Greeted by their worst nightmare they fled back inside.

But the question on every one's lips is who succeeded in getting rid of the mighty Third Reich where von Stauffenberg failed?

The Big Retort can reveal that it was none other than much-maligned Cruise, a person forbidden to pursue his own religion in Germany where Scientology is banned.

Ist nicht rightig.

Vanished: Psychic cop

TheBigRetort strange but true series continues with a chilling tale of child abduction.

It also reads as a bizarre prequel to the mysterious disappearance of Madeleine McCann, and reveals a father's startling sixth sense.

Not too long ago, somewhere in the UK, a schoolchild inexplicably vanished off the face of the earth. As in the Algarve case, the girl disappeared mysteriously, without trace, leaving police and public totally perplexed.

However, fortunately, this did not turn out to be a smoke-and-mirrors investigation -or a whodunit leading nowhere - because there was a single witness.

Police say that's all it takes.

A man out walking his dog recalled seeing a white van going up and down a lane. He told police that it was constantly retracing its steps, almost as if the driver was searching for something.

Or should that be someone?

Police did not have much to go on but they realised that they may have a potential serious child abduction on their hands.

Unlike police in the McCann case they moved swiftly, and following strict procedures laid down in abduction cases they placed a large cordon around the area - every white van leaving and entering the zone was stopped. It was that simple.

But it was also to no avail...

Sadly... nothing was found of the missing girl, and another tragedy at the hands of a monster looked likely.

And yet...

Call it "Strange"... Call it "Otherworldly".... Call it "Divine intervention"

But in this tale of bogey men and missing children there are also additional "howevers" and it is what followed these that so interested TheBigRetort.

A policeman stood waiting at a road block on the outskirts of town in a lonely country lane. He had grown bored with the task that had been set him, but he too had a daughter of his own and so he knew how he would feel if she went missing...however.

He waited patiently...

Suddenly a white van approached. The driver seemed pleasant enough and eager to assist. He dutifully obliged the policeman by opening the van's rear doors… it was full of goods the driver was in the process of delivering.

The copper apologised and told him to be on his way…

And there the mysterious disappearance may have ended. But there was something… "other". Something that the cop could not explain, even to himself - then, or now.

Was it a presentment? Telepathy? Or the driver's body language? Whatever... an eerie feeling came over the policeman and for some inexplicable reason he knew one thing was certain: he could not let the van leave.

'Just a second, sir. I'd just like to take another look. If I may!' he said. The driver hesitated as he was about to climb behind the wheel, it was not a question... And once again he traced around the van to the doors.

'Open them,' the cop ordered as the driver hesitated.

Inside the van all seemed in order.

Be that as it may... despite the normality something was inexplicably drawing the policeman's attention towards the floor of the van and try as he might he could not put his finger on what it was.

He pulled back a carpet in the van... He saw the little body of a girl in a wheel well. The child, wrapped in another carpet, was bound and gagged… and fortunately still alive.

Finally, eerily, the policeman realised why he had inexplicably wanted to search the van... she was his daughter.

New law on selfish parking

A NEW LAW WHICH HAS LAIN UNDISCOVERED FOR YEARS CAN NOW BE USED AS THE LATEST TOOL IN THE FIGHT AGAINST SELFISH PARKING... thanks to TheBigRetort.

Many London drivers may not realise it but since September 2004 the London Local Authorities and Transport for London Act has enabled local authorities to issue Penalty Charge Notices (PCNs) to cars parked unlawfully across driveways.

TheBigRetort calls it SimplySelfishParking. And yes, as Bill said to Monica, it's a mouthful...

But the new law looks set to bring much-needed respite to beleaguered driveway 'barons'.

London based councils' also look set to expand their coffers by £££s with dropped kerb penalties (DKPs) as part of their stealth-tax portfolio$.

Be that as it may, when TheBigRetort found its driveway blocked, we quoted the law to the law - and those boys in blue serge didn't even realise it existed.

In fact, when TheBigRetort initially reported a naughty parker (NP) to the Yard an armed response unit failed to turn up, claiming that there were 'more important' crimes taking place in London. Apparently a blocked driveway is 'low on the list' of the Met's MOST WANTED - way below a blocked drain, which seemed a bit fishy to us - so we were forced to delve deeper.

So deep that we discovered a place called Australia and a little publicised change to the parking laws.

What TheBigRetort found looks set to change life in London as we know it.

In the words of the Met's Commissioner herself...

'Following on from information obtained from that leading investigative group TheBigRetort, Met officers reacted swiftly and decisively in bringing this unfortunate matter to a satisfactory conclusion. May I also take the opportunity in adding... my men do a difficult job under difficult circumstances.'

Who cares how the blurb reads... its £££s for the council, respite for us, and time out for selfish Johnny Rotten.

So be advised.... a yellow line is no longer needed in order to issue a Penalty Charge Notice to a vehicle parked unlawfully across a driveway.

And be further advised... The new law applies regardless of whether a car is blocked on or off it.

Action is only taken against vehicles parked across a driveway if the owner of the property requests it. This is done so that the owner's car, or one s/he allows to park across it, is not wrongly fined. So be nice to your neighbour with the driveway.

And the retort TheBigRetort recently received from its 'neighbour' when police contacted her for blocking our car on the driveway...? 'That was a very un-neighbourly thing to do!'

Like we said, simply selfish.

In fact old Sherlock of the Yard made certain Moriarty moved the offending carriage PDQ. And the perpetrator escaped without a fine this time.

Good god, Holmes, how does TheBigRetort do it!

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Statin danger

WHEN A DOCTOR PRESCRIBED A CHOLESTORAL-LOWERING WONDERDRUG UNUSUAL MUSCLE STIFFNESS FOLLOWED... BE WARNED.

“Don't suppose we can put you down as Asian can we," he asked, pen hovering over medical report.

The doctor had a little box to tick... Statins damage Asians more than any other ethnic group. Fortunately, as a compilation of African-Cherokee-American-Irish-Welsh - and Englishman - TheBigRetort investigator did not have to fill in a box marked "mongrel". (He prefers "hybrid".)

“Only... there isn't a box for someone with your, err, ethnicity. Asians… well…they can only take half the dosage. I suppose it’s alright, isn’t it… ?” He was certainly convinced of our reporter's "ethnicity". 'I'll just put Asian shall I," the doctor ended Shipman-like.

"Err... Can I phone a friend?" was the only response to that.

Chronic aches and pains followed. Accompanied by numbness, weakness, confusion, fatigue, shortness of breath and other symptoms. But this unusual phenomenon did not end there...

Usually a happy-go-lucky chap around the office and home, the type of person who can roll with the punches, our reporter started to show signs of depression. Every little wrong – or at least what he percieved as wrong – seemed to take on a bigger and darker meaning. He reveals the feelings that were going through his tortured mind.

‘If only there was just a passing train then...' He did not need to finish the sentence.

In fact it was only after he conducted some of his own research that he discovered that he was part of a medical experiment headed towards an unknown destination.

Statins are dangerous.

Forget to do something this morning? Memory loss is also amongst the unusual side effects of Statin use.

Then there’s the nerve damage, the numbness - and other maladies too. Pancreatic rot, heart failure (which is strange given that Statins are prescribed to prevent it). And... be warned...aggression.

Gore Blimey: An inconvenient truth

“We find that whole communities suddenly fix their minds upon one object, and go mad in its pursuit; that millions of people become simultaneously impressed with one delusion and run after it, till their attention is caught by some new folly more captivating than the first.”

In reading the history of nations these words of Charles Mackay, a former Victorian editor, were a preface to the 1852 edition of his book, EXTRAORDINARY POPULAR DELUSIONS AND THE MADNESS OF CROWDS

Amazingly written as far back as 1841, it revealed how easily the masses follow ‘moral epidemics’ and how ‘imitative and gregarious men’ truly are; the Crusades (1096–1291), Tulip Mania (1636–37), Witch Mania (1668-1676), the Mississippi Scheme (1717), the South-Sea Bubble (1720) - Scotsman Mackay concluded - were all delusions.

In fact Mackay’s “Extraordinary Delusions” might have become yet another weighty tome gathering dust on a shelf at the British Library, until we started turning its pages. The book is a clarion call for sanity.

And TheBigRetort can reveal this century’s current folly... is global warming.

A recent landmark ruling at the High Court in London has burst the carbon bubble. The question recently asked: is an award-winning film more shockumentary than documentary.

Yesterday Mr Justice Burton found that the "broadly accurate" film An Inconvenient Truth could be screened in schools – but only if it was accompanied by a disclaimer by the climate change denial fraternity.

The judgement followed criticism from Stewart Dimmock, a school governor in Kent. Dimmock, also a member of a political group called the New Party, accused the Government of "brainwashing" children. (He should have read Mackay’s book…)

Mr Justice Burton forensically examined claims in the documentary and identified nine significant errors. He found that the “apocalyptic vision” presented in the film was politically partisan and not an impartial analysis of the science of
climate change. In other words not true.

Far be it from us to place words of menial discord in a judge’s mouth, this is what he actually said: “It is built around the charismatic (sic) presence of the ex-Vice-President, Al Gore, whose crusade it now is to persuade the world of the dangers of climate change caused by global warming.”

Unlike his nemesis Moses who heard a voice emanating from a burning bush - (Hello) - Gore was on a mission for Good and not from God, as the most learned and honourable judge said: “It is now common ground that it is not simply a science film – although it is clear that it is based substantially on scientific research and opinion – but that it is a political film.”

Gore was manipulating the facts to suit the delusion gene. The claims that sea levels could rise by 20ft “in the near future” was dismissed as “distinctly alarmist”. Such a rise would take place “only after, and over” thousands of years. Another untruth found by a very learned man. (I have to say that just in case I end up at the High Court myself – again.)

Mr Justice Burton added: “The Armageddon scenario he predicts, insofar as it suggests that sea level rises of seven metres might occur in the immediate future, is not in line with the scientific consensus.” A truth uncovered by a man more accustomed to getting at it.

In addition, a claim that atolls in the Pacific had already been evacuated was supported by “no evidence” – and another untruth was found.

Two graphs showing carbon dioxide levels and temperatures over the last 650,000 years were an “exact fit”. Untrue... they overstated the case.

Mr Gore’s suggestion that the Gulf Stream would shut down was also found to be untrue.

The drying of Lake Chad – untrue. Likely to result from population increase and overgrazing, and regional climate variability.

Hurricane Katrina was also a result of manmade global warming – but again this was found to be untrue.

Polar bears drowning while searching for icy habitats melted by global warming – untrue. Surely not but yes - the only drowned polar bears were four that died following a storm.

Coral bleaching – untrue. (Okay the judge said “not proved” but in court speak that means What a pile of Codswallop.) Separating the direct impacts of climate change from other factors was difficult, his judgment concluded.

The judge said that the scientific community had been unable to find evidence that proved a direct link. However, to be fair, the claims in the film were fully backed up by the weight of science too. In particular, he agreed with the main thrust of Mr Gore’s arguments on climate change; but had a dispute in how the message was being given.

In fact whilst Gore has presented himself as the Moses of the global environment many ‘deniers’ - anyone who disagrees with the Gore lobby is a ‘climate change denier’ - have long suspected that he is using global warming for a repeat shot at the White House.

But will the London ruling dampen the Gore “carbon ability” as he runs for the presidency?

As Gore's international reputation has soared, so too has his use of jet travel.

Gore’s 20-room mansion in Nashville reportedly consumes more electricity in a month than the average American “crib” in a year.

And with a frame as big as Big Al’s you can be sure he lets rip every now and again – and - phew - what the heck, downwind, during the Primaries? (Shucks Mr President we wuz only joking.)

These contradictions by Gore have added as much to the debate as man has carbon in the atmosphere. (How much carbon dioxide is there on the planet anyway? 2%, which man is responsible for some 0.2%.)

The film has won plaudits from the environmental lobby, world leaders, and received an Oscar – the latter after Academy members made their way to Hollywood in their private jets.

Until yesterday, Gore, “Moses” who would have the world believe that this apocalypse is man-induced, stood as the head of a global brand of a pseudo-religious new-age movement, but now... who knows?

Is Gore floundering at the shores of credibility like a beached whale at New Brighton, or is the Nobel winner now presidential material?

When President Bush was asked whether he would watch An Inconvenient Truth he riposted, with the familiar wisdom of Solomon, “Doubt it".

Mackay may not have known it at the time, but could the President have let slip that he was aware of the discovery of a “folly gene” specifically dating back to that branch of a tree from which Adam took that first ignoble bite? Of course this delusional ‘first’ for knowledge was blamed on Eve, who in turn fingered the serpent, but there we go again, truth or folly?

It’s a rotten apple indeed that falls from the tree and feeds the madness of the crowds and our foibles and makes enemies of us all, I hear Justice Mackay say.

If the madness of the crowd is anything to go by one thing remains certain... mankind looks likely to repeat its errors time and time again, it’s encoded into our DNA.

DIANA: Conspiracy revealed

EXT PARIS HOTEL…

Just past midnight, a grainy image captured on a security camera reveals Henri Paul, hotel security officer: He signals towards two men waiting on a scooter... later identified as paparazzi

Around the front of the hotel, other "ratz" (surely) and onlookers wait expectantly; not realising that around the back of the hotel a conspiracy is underway; Henri has been paid to tip someone off.

Million-franc shot with killer headlines:

"PRINCESS AND PLAYBOY RUN RITZ RATZ"

But the photo-first does not go to plan… and the headline becomes somewhat different.

The photograph of the backs of two heads do not make scandalous viewing, nor the shot of a bodyguard… and smiling accomplice “Henri”.

EXT PARIS STREET… the Ratz pursue the Mercedes.

Driver Henri is not affected by a couple of drinks. But then… his master in back is screaming faster! and the two Ratz (who will pay handsomely) are screaming slower!

Henri should follow his master’s command… Only there's dollar signs in his eyes. (Henri did have those “unexplained” moneys in bank accounts. And in the 8 months previous 40,000 francs in cash was paid into an account on five separate occasions.)

INTERIOR PONT D’ALMA TUNNEL… way past midnight.

Henri can’t go faster... Henri can’t go slower. Either will upset his paymasters. So what does Henri do?

He swerves to let the Ratz on the scooters overtake the car.

But what’s that ahead… too late.

Actually, not really... one Ratz gets that million-franc shot... it captures the dying moments of a people's princess.

THE END… ?