Following in the wake of the News of the World phone hacking scandal, TheBigRetort does the dirty - and hacks Rupert Murdoch's mobile.
Murdoch: Hello... Rupert Murdoch speaking, how can I help you?
Chief Hacker: Mr Murdoch sir this is Chief Hacker calling from London.
Murdoch: Holey doley, mate, you’re interrupting my Barbie. Hope this is good - I‘ve got journos around me like bities.
Chief hacker: It’s come on top, Mr M. It's time to bail out.
Murdoch: (choking on his Four X) No way. I’m a battler!
Chief hacker: It’s a done deal... straight from the Met Commissioner's phone..
Murdoch (sighing): I blame that Milliband
Chief hacker: which one?
Murdoch: The banana bender.
Chief hacker: Ed?
Murdoch: That wog should mind his own bizzo! He‘s a kangaroos loose in the top paddock that one!
Chief hacker: Wanna turn him over?
Murdoch:: No! No! No! On no account are you to hack anymore? He‘s not the full quid that one. Talks through his left nostril. (Pause, followed by heavy sigh.) What about arranging a little bingle?
Chief hacker: Err… I don’t do motor vehicle accidents.
Chief hacker: Err... I’m just a hack. Pond life.
Murdoch: Bloody oath, mate! Don’t I know it. Don’t mean to big-note but I made that paper what it is.
Chief hacker: Best not admit to that… in court I mean.
Murdoch: Strewth mate. Think it’ll come to that? All sounds a bit pig‘s arse to me. I was within cooee of controlling the news of the whole world. Of course I’ll get the knock back on Bsky- that’ll cost big bikkies - and now…. One minute drinking with the flies… now I’m not worth a zack. Did I tell you that I‘d met the Queen - now I couldn’t even get a job at Maccas. There’s nothing for it, I’ll have to Billabong it. Go straight off the coat hanger, that‘ll show ‘em who‘s boss. That’s what I’m gonna do.
Chief hacker: Well before you do a Maxwell… you should know that it was Cameron… in with that big mouth what finally done it. You know he has Botox injections?
Murdoch: Stops him sweating. [Laughs ironically.] We kept that one quiet for that regular wowser. Don’t make me liquid laugh! Thought that pommie bastard was a cobber but he dobbed me in - the bludger! He’s a boomer, in with this paper and out with that, then back in again. And now… make one little blue and see how they treat yeh!
Chief Hacker: Sorry, Mr M… got to go. I’ve got an interview… at the Mail.
Murdoch: That’d be right.. Go on then, hack off hairy legs! Heaps mate, no dramas, I’m rooted anyway. I’m moving beyond the black stump to me rellies.. Probably take a few roadies with me. Hooroo
Chief hacker: Mr M, what would you like to do with the last edition?
Murdoch (a threatening pause): Give all those tall poppies an Ausie salute from me, will yeh mate!
Coming this Sunday in the News of the World: ‘The Queen’s secret lover’ ‘Cameron does Botox’ ‘Milliband in porn shock’