David Kelly: Thy will be done

THE CURIOUS CASE OF DR DAVID KELLY AND WHY HE WROTE THAT WILL...

Researchers never seem to mention it but the dead scientist's will, proved at the District Probate Registry at Winchester, not only states a time of death but when the will was written - the 26th November 1998.

Fresh from his frequent trips to Iraq, which ended - also coincidentally - in 1998, what was it that convinced the scientist that he needed a will at that point?

Why did he not write a will during those dangerous times in Iraq, and in the unhappy times before he was 'found dead in the woods'?

Was it the first time Dr Kelly had drawn one? If so it was rather late in the day. But then, so was his conversion to religion the following year.

Was Dr Kelly following Baha'i law in writing it? It is a requirement of that particular faith that a will be done... But Kelly is said not to have joined the movement until 1999 - which is curious.

Either he wrote the will before he joined the faith or joined the Baha'i faith much earlier than acknowledged.

London Councils: Just the ticket?

IN A PREVIOUS ARTICLE THEBIGRETORT REVEALED THAT A 'NEW' LAW HAS BEEN INTRODUCED AGAINST SELFISH PARKING - BUT DO LONDON COUNCILS KNOW IT?

Following on from our last expose many of you wrote in to tell us why you felt that you had been kept in the dark about a change in the law that came into force four years ago. It is now unlawful to block "any part of the footway or verge where it has been lowered to meet the level of the carriageway... for the purpose of assisting pedestrians to cross or assisting vehicles to enter or leave the road across the footway or verge.” In other words homeowners, frustrated by cars blocking their driveways, now have legal redress in the fight against selfish parking.

The new law currently applies to London only. An owner can demand that a car is removed even if there is no vehicle being blocked. To enforce the restriction no traffic order or signs are required and - providing the owner has requested it - a penalty charge notice can be issued… Or at least that is what the law states.

TheBigRetort exclusive reveals that despite Section 14 of the London Local Authorities and Transport for London Act 2003 (introduced to combat blocked driveway parking), some London councils have not been made aware of it by the organisation that was set up to guide them.

In some cases councils' are acting unlawfully and are not singing off the same law sheet.

In one instance, notably Lewisham Council - on the advice of its legal department - does not recognise the law.

In fact, there is confusion for some authorities as to where the jurisdiction for the offence lies: Councils or Police. The police often claim that it is a matter for the local authority, which is largely true, however, on the other hand, many local authorities are without guidance from choirmaster London Councils, previously known as the ALG.

TheBIGRetort highlights that many councils need to be given clear guidance on this quite important law, which concerns the whole of London and visitors to it.

So what advice has been given?

We asked London Councils... Its response leaves us in no doubt why many councils are misguided about the dropped kerb law.

In fact, when we enquired about the guidance offered Natinder Boparai, press representative of London Councils, refused to answer. A former freelance journalist, she claimed that this was due to the fact that we were "non-commissioned freelancers” - not on the payroll of a newspaper or magazine (which rather negates the description "freelance" one might think) - and that the information was - or so she claimed - 'not readily available'. She also felt that a query from a freelancer 'can eat into the time of my people', time best reserved for the 'nationals'.

Despite this reaction, the "non commissioned" report commissioned by TheBIGRetort, reveals that some councils are either flaunting or ignorant of the law, largely due to a lack of co-ordination by London Councils itself.

We asked each council: DO YOU ISSUE PCNs TO VEHICLES BLOCKING DROPPED KERB DRIVEWAYS? These were the responses.

Barking and Dagenham Council said ‘Yes.’ It issued PCNs 'twenty-four-seven'. [We marked it 8 out of 10.]

Barnet Council played us some classical music - for a while - and then wanted to know if the wheels of our investigation were 'on the pavement or on a yellow line'. It was on neither. 'No,' it said. However, when urged to confirm this it changed its response to ‘Yes’. [We place Barnet in the “not sure” section. Zero out of 10.]

Meanwhile Bexley Council informed us that a single driveway must be registered before enforcement, even though the law does not state this, and that if it is a shared driveway then an automatic penalty applies. It also operates outside business hours with a skeleton staff. [9-10.]

In north London Brent Council informed: “If a vehicle is blocking your drive, in or out, in this case we remove it.” [9-10.]

Nearby Camden Council responded, “We do enforce that… You give us the registration and address and we send an officer around (twenty-four seven). We ticket it, but if it’s a persistent offender then we also tow.” [9-10.]

At Bromley Council, where an out of hours team also operates, the answer was a resounding ‘Yes’. [9-10.]

However, at the City of London Council, where curious and ancient laws apply….”I’m not sure. I’ll just check,” an AMERICAN SOUNDING WOMAN said as yet more jazz music followed her pleasant voice. She later confirmed, “If it’s a private driveway then we don’t.” [0-10.]

Croydon Council seemed more up to speed. “We do if it’s a personal driveway with a dropped kerb.” Officers ticket and remove up to 630pm, after that time they just ticket. Homeowners will need to call by 9pm as the line closes after that time. [9-10.]

Over at Ealing Council they played us lots of mood music. However, between the beat we were assured that our call was important to them and that it would be answered by the next available adviser, and following which more mood music filtered through the phone. To be fair it apologised for the delay etc - more music. Customer services…? There wasn't any. We asked for parking enforcement. “What’s it about?” We explained... but the "adviser" seemed ‘confused’. More ringing... Leave a message this time or follow these options. We hung up instead. [We placed the borough in the “don’t knows” but ”No” seems a strong category. 0-10.]

Greenwich Council insisted that it ticketed, “Only with a yellow line.” We mentioned the Act that made it an offence - since 2003! - and received the following response. “I couldn’t tell you that…you would have to go higher than me, but as far as I’m aware we can't enforce it.” [A big “No” from Greenwich then. 0-10.]

Hackney Council wanted to know if the car was on a yellow line. No. “Let me find out for you.” Following a pause we were informed that the authority can log it (on the database). “It usually takes half an hour for an enforcement officer to inspect, and then we can ticket it (or tow).” The scheme operates from 8am-8pm but there is also an out of hours team. [7-10.]

Hammersmith and Fulham Council operates a call queue system on its phone system. So be prepared to listen to a load of guff that is of no relevance to the beleaguered homeowner with a blocked drive. Simply please hold for connection, and then listen to another instruction. “We would have to send someone out to see if it’s parked illegally or not.” In fact the adviser did not know and had to ask for further instruction. A dreadful repetitive beeping noise designed to get rid us did just that. [0-10.]

Haringey Council actually removes cars from blocked driveways, but only between the hours of 7am-6pm Mon-Sat. And only if the car is parked "more than half way across the drive." [7-10.]

Harrow Council seemed far too busy to answer the phone. Normally a persistent bunch, we gave up. [0.10.]

Havering Council said “Yes”. Parking attendants operates 9-5, but it is also operated out of hours too. [9-10.]

Hillingdon Council said “It must be a single driveway, that is not shared with a neighbour, and the exact details of the vehicle must be supplied.” Response times can be up to two hours. The scheme operates from Mon-Fri, 9-5pm, with police standing in outside these hours. [9-10.]

Hounslow Council… Well... the adviser was not aware of the law, claiming that it only had authority to remove vehicles that were parked on a yellow line. "Otherwise it’s a police matter." [Which is the truth but not the whole truth, Guv.] When informed this was incorrect, he responded, “You’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” [0-10.]

Islington Council... You may be surprised to learn that for Islington to issue a ticket a car ‘has to be committing a contravention’. “If there are no road markings then (anyone) can park there. We may use our discretion and ask them to move it.” When we attempted to point out that this was incorrect the adviser seemed stunned. He did not, we concluded, know the law. [0-10.]

Kensington and Chelsea Council responded, “That is correct… a PCN is issued to the vehicle.” [9-10.]

Kingston Upon Thames Council passed us to the environmental services to the strains of the Four Seasons then on Planning, who told us we needed “Highways” and so on. Eventually we discovered that it too did not apply the law correctly. It only issued PCNs if there were yellow lines. When the Act was brought to its attention its “adviser” said that she would find out 'more'. And indeed more Four Seasons followed. And more... Finally, “we assess it” the adviser informed. We do not know if this was a reference to Vivaldi. [0-10.]

Lambeth Council said that it “depends”. Depends on what? "We can arrange to have them removed, if there is a white line pasted across it then they’ll get a penalty charge. [Incorrect... A white line is just a courtesy marking. It is not required by law. The Councils’ charge for painting these so it may be this that guides them. 0-10]

Lewisham Council was challenged on the parking issue. “If you don’t have a yellow line, you can’t enforce it. If a vehicle is blocking your drive, imprisoning you, then they (the police) must deal with it.” We pointed out to the NCP officer that it is a contravention under the Act. He responded: “Are you asking about your vehicle, or the law? [Both actually.] He seemed annoyed and officious and so we did not pursue the matter. We concluded that Lewisham Council is not only ignorant of the law but ignorant full stop. [0-10]

Unlike an adviser we spoke to at Merton Council... He knew the law - inside out. He spoke clearly and concisely, and was extremely polite and professional too, which was unusual. Amongst many things, he pointed out that an owner can “allow” a person to park adjacent to their own driveway. Where a multitude of residents use the same driveway, the council will react automatically and a penalty will be charged. "Those are the rules." (Yes Merton… but if only some of your sister boroughs knew it.) In our survey, Merton came out on top with its knowledge, response and helpful manner. [10-10.]

Newham Council was also marked higher than many of the other councils who seemed vague in their responses, rude, or just plain daft. “Yes we do, “ was Merton’s big retort. “Give us a call and we send someone around. We need a signature from someone in the house.” The scheme operates from Mon-Fri 8-4pm with a tow-away, and at weekends with just a ticket. [We gave Newham Council 9 out of ten.]

Redbridge Council put it plainly, “As long as it’s on the road and it’s blocking your driveway… it doesn’t have to have a yellow line. You have to sign a witness form.” It operates from 7am-11pm Mon-Thurs. Fri-Sat until 1am. Sunday 11pm. [9 - 10.]

In leafy Richmond upon Thames Council we were passed around the houses. “If there are no parking restrictions then I would have thought not.” The adviser was unaware of the law so we decided to probe deeper... But the Parking Shop seemed equally confused. “If it’s a controlled parking zone, and on a yellow line only.” We were passed over to the parking wardens when we became to nosy. However, the one we spoke to seemed in a bit if a fugue state and had to refer to other colleagues. Finally he told us “Yes… but only if authorised by a supervisor.” A requirement that was later dropped as we probed ever deeper. It operates between the hours 7am-10pm. [We marked it 3-10, but it would have been less had we not probed.]

Southwark Council parking shop initially seemed confused. “We don’t issue tickets for that… that’s obstruction.” [Meaning the police deal with it.] However, when we probed and the driveway was described it was decided that a ticket could be issued - 24/7. In some cases the vehicle could be towed. [3-10.]

Sutton Council informed us that the expected waiting time to have TheBigeRetort's query answered was three minutes and 52 seconds. We moved up slowly in the queue accompanied by familiar music. We were also informed that any information given would be ‘held on a database’. Due to its initial slow response we knocked a point off Sutton, but, to be fair, this belies the fact that both the call centre adviser and the NCP officer we were passed to knew the law and applied it correctly. “One full wheel has to be adjacent to the flat part of the dropped kerb,” we were informed. [8-10.]

Tower Hamlets Council was an unusual one... An adviser claimed that all of the driveways in Tower Hamlets have yellow lines, and so the law there is applied with this in mind. [We could not rank it, as it did not include the new law. Unless the adviser was wrong and all the driveways do not have yellow lines. In which case we would mark it to zero.]

Waltham Forest Council responded with a “Yes”. The council immediately logs the contravention on a screen and NCP sends a traffic warden with a tow truck 24/7. [9-10.]

Wandsworth Council, after initial confusion, passed us over to a person 'in the know'.… And he did. “In October the council had 5 calls relating to Dropped Kerb Parking.” A “27 Offence PCN” was attached and in each case the vehicles were photographed and ‘relocated’. [Probably to Lewisham where no one cares. We marked it 8-10 due to the confusion, but it would have been a ten had we been put through to the right person.]

Westminster Council seemed a bit overzealous with its application of the law - and apparently flaunts it; which for a seat-of-democratic-government borough is unforgivable. The contravention is recorded as a “62c”. "As soon as a parking attendant sees it they can issue a ticket. This is done regardless of whether a request has been made by an owner and despite there being no yellow lines." In other words, if a person blocks their own driveway they will be ticketed. It operates 24/7. [We marked Westminter 0-10 because we don't think it should ticket an owner's vehicle unless it's on a yellow line.]

Finally, a word on London Councils itself...

The organisation is funded by the boroughs councils. Lobbying forms a major part of its remit, but it also develops policy in many key areas. For instance it claims on its website “to help our member councils deliver better services, and to promote better cross-borough and pan-London working.”

Ironically, John O'Brien, its new Chief Executive, was previously director of Local Government Performance and Practice at DCLG and, formerly, the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister. Prior to joining government, he was a director at the Improvement and Development Agency for Local Government.

[A man after our own heart, he sounds like a bit of a freelancer himself. However... we mark his organisation 0-10 due to its failure to communicate with its membership, and, of course, that last bastion of truth and justice, the freelance press.]

Statement of Sir Ian Blair - Met Commissioner

TheBigRetort has always found calls for the resignation of the Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police to be unwarranted.

If heads should roll they should fall lower down the ranks.

However, it was part of Sir Ian's statement to the press following calls for his resignation that pricked our ears.

Sir Ian ended his statement, with the following - curious? - paragraph:

"A report published this morning also revealed that none of the 17 members of the public on board the train recalled hearing officers shout "armed police" prior to killing Mr de Menezes, even though all eight police in the carriage claimed they had."

The question is why the Commissioner needs us to know this.

Glenda Jackson's boobs

TheBigRetort exposé reveals how the former movie star and MP for Hampstead and Highgate has displayed her boobs in the past... both of them.

Glenda Jackson MP does not do flesh. Instead, as soon as she opened the door and we entered the room she turned her back and then waved imperiously towards two seats. It was after all her "surgery". [A misnomer if ever... the description lends itself to the medical profession Glenda.]


I am here with the owner of a bar styled Brondes Age. A popular venue situated on the Kilburn High Road, as a result, with its ambiance and music, owner "Brian" had created one of the must check-out places in NW6. But small business landlord Spacia look set to demolish that dream.

Brian desperately needed his MP's help.

Enter Glenda Jackson - in the flesh - breathing heavily. I had strongly disagreed with her about Brian’s chances of success, because of this she appeared to get more than a little annoyed.

"You WILL lose! You have NOT got a chance! You WILL LOSE! You can do anything you like but YOU WILL LOSE!" Rigor mortise set across her face in what was possibly a grin.

Apparently Spacia had a right under the shorthold tenancy agreement to demand Brian vacate the premises, following which Brondes Age would be torn down, which seemed like a gross irresponsibility - and a crime against the community. The building would be rebuilt, with flats above it, and Brondes Age would be totally rebuilt - then let for a higher rent. Brian could have first refusal of course, but the date of the rebuild and the rental costs were uncertain...

For all his hard graft, Brian would face ruin whilst Spacia would profit through its property windfall.

But Glenda did not see it that way... she shrugged. It was not her problem: "You must have known when you took the tenancy on that this could happen!”

"Yes, but--"

--"You will lose!” She cut Brian off.

“What are you doing!” she enquired as she peered over her desk at me.

I was taking notes. "Writing," I said.

“Writing what…!” MP Jackson turned to me and screamed.

“What you say.” I gulped. She seemed angry.

“Well don’t! Put that pen down!” She held my gaze like a banshee. "I’ll let you know what I have said!" she roared imperiously.

I put my pen and notepad away… Years previous I had dreamt of taking more than her words down.

Brian and I sat and listened. YOU WILL LOSE... We were ushered out. YOU WILL LOSE. She obviously enjoyed the mantra. YOU WILL LOSE.

The last time I had seen Glenda in the flesh she stood some thirty feet tall, was bollock naked, and had nipples like two headlights full beam. She was also breathing heavily… but not at me. [The movie was titled Women in Love. Too young to see it, I had 'bunked' into the cinema.]

‘We’ll see,” I said, and added, "Thanks... for your... help."

I offered Glenda my hand. She looked at it curiously as if it was contaminated… She took it, gingerly, and shook it limply, then closed the door.

Of course MPs are always right. Obviously Brian lost his battle. Obviously Brondes Age was demolished... obviously.

Only it wasn't.

Because Glenda Jackson had displayed two very large boobs that day. Sorry, I mean "boobies".

Six months later, having ignored her assertions, and having conducted our own "surgery", Spacia sold out to Brian... and Brondes Age survived.
http://www.brondesage.com/

Bully TV

In the world in which we live there is an argument that bullying can be a useful tool.

Kelvin Mackenzie, the former newspaper editor and blowtorch of reasoned debate, claims that forceful motivation – renamed in this liberal age - is an absolute must.

Kelvin bullies his employees, but only if they are at a certain level - bullying across the board and not unproductive and demotivating bullying down.

According to Kelvin – and he is presumably not alone in this - bullying is what keeps us ahead of the global productivity game, without it we will whither on the global vine. But do bullies exist purely in the playground and boardroom, or can they be found in other strands of our society? And are we, as Kelvin MacKenzie may claim, simply mistaking forceful motivation for bullying?

The answer must surely be No... With our current obsession with such shows as The Apprentice, Big Brother, X Factor, Hell’s Kitchen… we are in fact officially a bully nation

Take Dragons’ Den…

The show originated in Japan... Owned by Sony, the format consists of entrepreneurs pitching for investment finance from five of the nation’s top venture capitalists – Dragons – who effectively bully but rarely invest. (The BBC admits that many deals ultimately fall through.)

Theo Paphitis, likes to snort and sneer like a cheeky schoolboy standing on the sidelines whilst the chief bully gets underway; in this instance the chief bully is us.

Peter Jones, the school monitor who manages to be both present and absent – until the last moment when he finally makes a snide appearance and sticks the boot in.

Duncan Bannatyne, the millionaire ice-cream salesman who can hand over a 99-er with a knowing stare.

Deborah Meaden, a dragon if ever, the head girl with a face of thunder that looks as if she repeatedly slaps it with a wet kipper just to get ‘that look’.

New dragon James Caan, who is rather a nice chap for the moment… but just you wait and see...you'll get a bunch of fives instead of fivers.

And that leads me to Richard Farleigh, former Dragon and tech wizard from Oz who, instead of breathing fire, was a man bereft of the bully gene, gently chiding entrepreneurs for their presentation, helpfully pointing out the flaws in each invention or business plan, the thinking man’s Dragon.

Could this be why the producers of the show turned on him?

Apparently Farleigh was booted off the show because they wanted to see an ethnic face on “Dragon”. An antipodean not fitting the ethnic bill, his was not a case of bullying, but out-and-out New-Brit racism. One can almost imagine the brainstorming sessions in the aptly named White City where the BBC has its HQ… Asians are good businessmen we must go Asian.

Nothing against James Caan personally (seems a nice bloke actually) but bring back Richard Farleigh.

Suggestions for next BBC Dragons' Den script meeting: Theo’s seat is always vacant, so ditch the Cyp thereby saving his kids' inheritance, keep the Asian, but - above all - bring back Oz.

Buy the T-shirt now!

[Note... A Sunday Mirror investigation into Dragon’s Den revealed 13 of nineteen contestants on the show promised cash never received it. The total amount unpaid came to £1.9m. However, before going to this site please see a biteback comment left on TheBigRetort... it seems that there are two sides to this tale and even a Dragon can choose the wrong business partner. http://www.sundaymirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=17762194&method=full&siteid=62484&headline=dragons--con-name_page.html]

Fatal Shooting: MET guilty

The Metropolitan Police has been found guilty of breaching health and safety laws over the fatal shooting of Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes.

Mr de Menezes was shot seven times by officers at Stockwell Tube station. He was mistaken for failed suicide bomber Hussain Osman.

The jury convicted the force on the second day of its deliberations. It was fined £175,000 in addition to £385,000 costs by trial judge Mr Justice Henriques.

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair was in court to hear the verdict.

The jury cleared the operation commander Cressida Dick attaching, ‘no personal culpability’.

The family of Jean Charles de Menezes pledged that they would not rest in their fight for justice and said they were awaiting a "full and thorough" inquest.

Heather Mills-McCartney

PRIOR to and during her tempestuous relationship Heather Mills-McCartney (seen in the photo left with Sir Paul) often danced with the devil - usually in the form of a journalist. But as they danced the lady should have noticed that her partner had a camera in one hand and a pen and paper in the other.

Because there is always a 'copy' to file… which is why you can never completely trust Satan.

Now Lady Maccabeth claims there is a hate campaign being waged against her by the tabloids. True… few people like or trust her. Her outburst on GMTV yesterday drew further criticism from detractors who claim to have witnessed grief... but through a veil of 'crocodile tears'. [For further postings on crocodile tears see “Soham: Insincere grief”.]

It is certainly true that the mocking of the loss of one of her limbs ranks amongst the vilest media baiting in print... Remember here is a very attractive woman who - against all the odds - fought back from a horrifying and debilitating injury and walked taller and prouder on one leg than most people do on two.

In addition, here is the ‘lady’ who was extremely successful at highlighting the dangers of landmines. Who brought forth public awareness of various charities. Who down the years has revealed a dedication to challenging the war machine that was not just a scene-stealing celebrity moment (a one off) but a life’s calling. It is safe to say that she is not going to simply hobble away (no cruelty intended).

Heather Mills first met her future husband Sir Paul McCartney when she was a guest speaker at a charity event during which she spoke passionately and effectively. As a result, and in defiance of her critics, she bagged a national monument into the bargain. [The Beatles used to hang out in my aunties caff before they made it… but that’s another story.]

It was one of my aunts who, during an epileptic fit, collapsed and stumbled into a fire. By the time she was pulled out it was too late... her leg had to be amputated. This event changed her life. Always a happy-go-lucky woman she became withdrawn… Her husband ran off with another woman leaving her with three kids. In Liverpool, during the 60s, ridicule was no different - then or now it seems - and ‘Pegleg!’ was often screamed by way of what some people presumably thought was a joke – just like Heather.

Maybe it wasn't so much a joke but what they or she perceived as a weakness, but my auntie became isolated. Most of the time following her accident she spent lying on a sofa in the lounge in front of the telly or reading a book. She was eventually found on the sofa, life cut tragically short.

Did she take an overdose having been driven to 'the verge' or did she simply vomit and choke during another epileptic spell?

We shall never know... we just knew the pain was over

Anyway, it no longer matters. Life, in spite of a missing limbs, moves on… Which brings us back to Heather…

Heather lifted herself up from that sofa... She added a famous surname to her own… She refused absolutely to allow others to ‘steal’ her dignity and prior to her meeting and during her time with Sir Paul she displayed an incredible strength of will. Sadly however it was not just this that was absent in her GMTV ‘fight back’ yesterday and the criticism now directed at her (by a few people) is that she produced crocodile tears during the interview.

The above is something I feel able to comment on. I spent fourteen years working for one of the most prolific casting agencies in the movie business. Davis-Zimmerman Casting saw an enormous amount of talent pass through the revolving door of fame. Whilst many did not see the Hollywood sun set over their Spotlight page - the actors’ equivalent of Wall-Mart - a few did go on to become stars.

However, be that as it may, what I eventually discovered during this time is that insincerity is easily highlighted on the screen - mostly videotaped ‘auditions’ [which I still have locked away in my loft. So watch out Jude, Elizabeth, Uma, Hugh, Daniel etc!]And one thing is certain... insincerity on camera need not in itself suggest that a person is being deceitful or untrue to their emotions.

‘What’s my motivation?’ Dustin Hoffman once asked director John Schlesinger. ‘What were paying you, darling!’ came the riposte. [Actually, judging from the performances the majority of actors are now turning in this may be an industry standard.]

In fact, during my time in casting I quickly learnt that the ability to turn on the 'water taps' must rank amongst the most difficult and unnecessary manifestations of sadness/anger/hurt that an actor (unfairly usually women) need to display. [Note the emphasis.]

An observation that should come with the caveat: in the time allowed. Because no five-minute audition ever produced an Oscar. And the greatest difficulty for some actors to get their swollen heads around was that emotion does not come out of a vacuum, but builds. [An accomplished actor does it in stages.]

‘Build! Build! Build!’ Some got it. Many didn’t. And by no means was it only the most successful that ever did.

An actor doesn't just burst into tears s/he builds towards the moment. Often trying not to cry is more effective than trying. Grief builds. It shows in the body, the voice, the eyes, the voice, back to the eyes etc. But mostly it shows in the broken sentence of an unscripted speech.

NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO CRY THE BAD ACTOR SAYS. Of course... it never is... because emotion builds.

However yesterday on GMTV the emotion did not build. It started at the bottom and quickly jumped to the top. It was, as my ex and dear departed boss Noel Davis might say - himself a former accomplished actor- ‘More effing ham than Sainsbury’s!’ He might also have added, ‘She’s a regular See You Next Tuesday that one!’

But, like the part, Lady Maccabeth would not have got that either.

Exclusive: Tom Cruise

Set dressers on the new Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie returning after a weekend off received a bit of a shock... the Nazis had disappeared from Berlin.

Valkyrie is centered around the attempted assassination of Adolph Hitler, with Cruise in the role of Claus von Stauffenberg, later executed for attempting to kill the Fuhrer with two suitcase bombs in 1944. [We're not giving anything away as this is based on a real events. Hitler dies in the end, and the 1000-year Reich perished after just 12 years.)

An insider informed the beleaguered set dressers that the images of the Third Reich had not been stolen but were ordered down 'by some one on high'.

Apparently a wedding reception had taken place over the weekend in a hotel opposite the set. Searching for a bit of lebensraum the bride and groom accompanied by their entourage (all Jews) ambled out on to the terrace to take in all the sights Berlin had to offer.

Nein! Nein! Nein!

Greeted by their worst nightmare they fled back inside.

But the question on every one's lips is who succeeded in getting rid of the mighty Third Reich where von Stauffenberg failed?

The Big Retort can reveal that it was none other than much-maligned Cruise, a person forbidden to pursue his own religion in Germany where Scientology is banned.

Ist nicht rightig.

Vanished: Psychic cop

TheBigRetort strange but true series continues with a chilling tale of child abduction.

It also reads as a bizarre prequel to the mysterious disappearance of Madeleine McCann, and reveals a father's startling sixth sense.

Not too long ago, somewhere in the UK, a schoolchild inexplicably vanished off the face of the earth. As in the Algarve case, the girl disappeared mysteriously, without trace, leaving police and public totally perplexed.

However, fortunately, this did not turn out to be a smoke-and-mirrors investigation -or a whodunit leading nowhere - because there was a single witness.

Police say that's all it takes.

A man out walking his dog recalled seeing a white van going up and down a lane. He told police that it was constantly retracing its steps, almost as if the driver was searching for something.

Or should that be someone?

Police did not have much to go on but they realised that they may have a potential serious child abduction on their hands.

Unlike police in the McCann case they moved swiftly, and following strict procedures laid down in abduction cases they placed a large cordon around the area - every white van leaving and entering the zone was stopped. It was that simple.

But it was also to no avail...

Sadly... nothing was found of the missing girl, and another tragedy at the hands of a monster looked likely.

And yet...

Call it "Strange"... Call it "Otherworldly".... Call it "Divine intervention"

But in this tale of bogey men and missing children there are also additional "howevers" and it is what followed these that so interested TheBigRetort.

A policeman stood waiting at a road block on the outskirts of town in a lonely country lane. He had grown bored with the task that had been set him, but he too had a daughter of his own and so he knew how he would feel if she went missing...however.

He waited patiently...

Suddenly a white van approached. The driver seemed pleasant enough and eager to assist. He dutifully obliged the policeman by opening the van's rear doors… it was full of goods the driver was in the process of delivering.

The copper apologised and told him to be on his way…

And there the mysterious disappearance may have ended. But there was something… "other". Something that the cop could not explain, even to himself - then, or now.

Was it a presentment? Telepathy? Or the driver's body language? Whatever... an eerie feeling came over the policeman and for some inexplicable reason he knew one thing was certain: he could not let the van leave.

'Just a second, sir. I'd just like to take another look. If I may!' he said. The driver hesitated as he was about to climb behind the wheel, it was not a question... And once again he traced around the van to the doors.

'Open them,' the cop ordered as the driver hesitated.

Inside the van all seemed in order.

Be that as it may... despite the normality something was inexplicably drawing the policeman's attention towards the floor of the van and try as he might he could not put his finger on what it was.

He pulled back a carpet in the van... He saw the little body of a girl in a wheel well. The child, wrapped in another carpet, was bound and gagged… and fortunately still alive.

Finally, eerily, the policeman realised why he had inexplicably wanted to search the van... she was his daughter.

New law on selfish parking

A NEW LAW WHICH HAS LAIN UNDISCOVERED FOR YEARS CAN NOW BE USED AS THE LATEST TOOL IN THE FIGHT AGAINST SELFISH PARKING... thanks to TheBigRetort.

Many London drivers may not realise it but since September 2004 the London Local Authorities and Transport for London Act has enabled local authorities to issue Penalty Charge Notices (PCNs) to cars parked unlawfully across driveways.

TheBigRetort calls it SimplySelfishParking. And yes, as Bill said to Monica, it's a mouthful...

But the new law looks set to bring much-needed respite to beleaguered driveway 'barons'.

London based councils' also look set to expand their coffers by £££s with dropped kerb penalties (DKPs) as part of their stealth-tax portfolio$.

Be that as it may, when TheBigRetort found its driveway blocked, we quoted the law to the law - and those boys in blue serge didn't even realise it existed.

In fact, when TheBigRetort initially reported a naughty parker (NP) to the Yard an armed response unit failed to turn up, claiming that there were 'more important' crimes taking place in London. Apparently a blocked driveway is 'low on the list' of the Met's MOST WANTED - way below a blocked drain, which seemed a bit fishy to us - so we were forced to delve deeper.

So deep that we discovered a place called Australia and a little publicised change to the parking laws.

What TheBigRetort found looks set to change life in London as we know it.

In the words of the Met's Commissioner herself...

'Following on from information obtained from that leading investigative group TheBigRetort, Met officers reacted swiftly and decisively in bringing this unfortunate matter to a satisfactory conclusion. May I also take the opportunity in adding... my men do a difficult job under difficult circumstances.'

Who cares how the blurb reads... its £££s for the council, respite for us, and time out for selfish Johnny Rotten.

So be advised.... a yellow line is no longer needed in order to issue a Penalty Charge Notice to a vehicle parked unlawfully across a driveway.

And be further advised... The new law applies regardless of whether a car is blocked on or off it.

Action is only taken against vehicles parked across a driveway if the owner of the property requests it. This is done so that the owner's car, or one s/he allows to park across it, is not wrongly fined. So be nice to your neighbour with the driveway.

And the retort TheBigRetort recently received from its 'neighbour' when police contacted her for blocking our car on the driveway...? 'That was a very un-neighbourly thing to do!'

Like we said, simply selfish.

In fact old Sherlock of the Yard made certain Moriarty moved the offending carriage PDQ. And the perpetrator escaped without a fine this time.

Good god, Holmes, how does TheBigRetort do it!

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Statin danger

WHEN A DOCTOR PRESCRIBED A CHOLESTORAL-LOWERING WONDERDRUG UNUSUAL MUSCLE STIFFNESS FOLLOWED... BE WARNED.

“Don't suppose we can put you down as Asian can we," he asked, pen hovering over medical report.

The doctor had a little box to tick... Statins damage Asians more than any other ethnic group. Fortunately, as a compilation of African-Cherokee-American-Irish-Welsh - and Englishman - TheBigRetort investigator did not have to fill in a box marked "mongrel". (He prefers "hybrid".)

“Only... there isn't a box for someone with your, err, ethnicity. Asians… well…they can only take half the dosage. I suppose it’s alright, isn’t it… ?” He was certainly convinced of our reporter's "ethnicity". 'I'll just put Asian shall I," the doctor ended Shipman-like.

"Err... Can I phone a friend?" was the only response to that.

Chronic aches and pains followed. Accompanied by numbness, weakness, confusion, fatigue, shortness of breath and other symptoms. But this unusual phenomenon did not end there...

Usually a happy-go-lucky chap around the office and home, the type of person who can roll with the punches, our reporter started to show signs of depression. Every little wrong – or at least what he percieved as wrong – seemed to take on a bigger and darker meaning. He reveals the feelings that were going through his tortured mind.

‘If only there was just a passing train then...' He did not need to finish the sentence.

In fact it was only after he conducted some of his own research that he discovered that he was part of a medical experiment headed towards an unknown destination.

Statins are dangerous.

Forget to do something this morning? Memory loss is also amongst the unusual side effects of Statin use.

Then there’s the nerve damage, the numbness - and other maladies too. Pancreatic rot, heart failure (which is strange given that Statins are prescribed to prevent it). And... be warned...aggression.