Exclusive: Tom Cruise

Set dressers on the new Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie returning after a weekend off received a bit of a shock... the Nazis had disappeared from Berlin.

Valkyrie is centered around the attempted assassination of Adolph Hitler, with Cruise in the role of Claus von Stauffenberg, later executed for attempting to kill the Fuhrer with two suitcase bombs in 1944. [We're not giving anything away as this is based on a real events. Hitler dies in the end, and the 1000-year Reich perished after just 12 years.)

An insider informed the beleaguered set dressers that the images of the Third Reich had not been stolen but were ordered down 'by some one on high'.

Apparently a wedding reception had taken place over the weekend in a hotel opposite the set. Searching for a bit of lebensraum the bride and groom accompanied by their entourage (all Jews) ambled out on to the terrace to take in all the sights Berlin had to offer.

Nein! Nein! Nein!

Greeted by their worst nightmare they fled back inside.

But the question on every one's lips is who succeeded in getting rid of the mighty Third Reich where von Stauffenberg failed?

The Big Retort can reveal that it was none other than much-maligned Cruise, a person forbidden to pursue his own religion in Germany where Scientology is banned.

Ist nicht rightig.

Vanished: Psychic cop

TheBigRetort strange but true series continues with a chilling tale of child abduction.

It also reads as a bizarre prequel to the mysterious disappearance of Madeleine McCann, and reveals a father's startling sixth sense.

Not too long ago, somewhere in the UK, a schoolchild inexplicably vanished off the face of the earth. As in the Algarve case, the girl disappeared mysteriously, without trace, leaving police and public totally perplexed.

However, fortunately, this did not turn out to be a smoke-and-mirrors investigation -or a whodunit leading nowhere - because there was a single witness.

Police say that's all it takes.

A man out walking his dog recalled seeing a white van going up and down a lane. He told police that it was constantly retracing its steps, almost as if the driver was searching for something.

Or should that be someone?

Police did not have much to go on but they realised that they may have a potential serious child abduction on their hands.

Unlike police in the McCann case they moved swiftly, and following strict procedures laid down in abduction cases they placed a large cordon around the area - every white van leaving and entering the zone was stopped. It was that simple.

But it was also to no avail...

Sadly... nothing was found of the missing girl, and another tragedy at the hands of a monster looked likely.

And yet...

Call it "Strange"... Call it "Otherworldly".... Call it "Divine intervention"

But in this tale of bogey men and missing children there are also additional "howevers" and it is what followed these that so interested TheBigRetort.

A policeman stood waiting at a road block on the outskirts of town in a lonely country lane. He had grown bored with the task that had been set him, but he too had a daughter of his own and so he knew how he would feel if she went missing...however.

He waited patiently...

Suddenly a white van approached. The driver seemed pleasant enough and eager to assist. He dutifully obliged the policeman by opening the van's rear doors… it was full of goods the driver was in the process of delivering.

The copper apologised and told him to be on his way…

And there the mysterious disappearance may have ended. But there was something… "other". Something that the cop could not explain, even to himself - then, or now.

Was it a presentment? Telepathy? Or the driver's body language? Whatever... an eerie feeling came over the policeman and for some inexplicable reason he knew one thing was certain: he could not let the van leave.

'Just a second, sir. I'd just like to take another look. If I may!' he said. The driver hesitated as he was about to climb behind the wheel, it was not a question... And once again he traced around the van to the doors.

'Open them,' the cop ordered as the driver hesitated.

Inside the van all seemed in order.

Be that as it may... despite the normality something was inexplicably drawing the policeman's attention towards the floor of the van and try as he might he could not put his finger on what it was.

He pulled back a carpet in the van... He saw the little body of a girl in a wheel well. The child, wrapped in another carpet, was bound and gagged… and fortunately still alive.

Finally, eerily, the policeman realised why he had inexplicably wanted to search the van... she was his daughter.

New law on selfish parking

A NEW LAW WHICH HAS LAIN UNDISCOVERED FOR YEARS CAN NOW BE USED AS THE LATEST TOOL IN THE FIGHT AGAINST SELFISH PARKING... thanks to TheBigRetort.

Many London drivers may not realise it but since September 2004 the London Local Authorities and Transport for London Act has enabled local authorities to issue Penalty Charge Notices (PCNs) to cars parked unlawfully across driveways.

TheBigRetort calls it SimplySelfishParking. And yes, as Bill said to Monica, it's a mouthful...

But the new law looks set to bring much-needed respite to beleaguered driveway 'barons'.

London based councils' also look set to expand their coffers by £££s with dropped kerb penalties (DKPs) as part of their stealth-tax portfolio$.

Be that as it may, when TheBigRetort found its driveway blocked, we quoted the law to the law - and those boys in blue serge didn't even realise it existed.

In fact, when TheBigRetort initially reported a naughty parker (NP) to the Yard an armed response unit failed to turn up, claiming that there were 'more important' crimes taking place in London. Apparently a blocked driveway is 'low on the list' of the Met's MOST WANTED - way below a blocked drain, which seemed a bit fishy to us - so we were forced to delve deeper.

So deep that we discovered a place called Australia and a little publicised change to the parking laws.

What TheBigRetort found looks set to change life in London as we know it.

In the words of the Met's Commissioner herself...

'Following on from information obtained from that leading investigative group TheBigRetort, Met officers reacted swiftly and decisively in bringing this unfortunate matter to a satisfactory conclusion. May I also take the opportunity in adding... my men do a difficult job under difficult circumstances.'

Who cares how the blurb reads... its £££s for the council, respite for us, and time out for selfish Johnny Rotten.

So be advised.... a yellow line is no longer needed in order to issue a Penalty Charge Notice to a vehicle parked unlawfully across a driveway.

And be further advised... The new law applies regardless of whether a car is blocked on or off it.

Action is only taken against vehicles parked across a driveway if the owner of the property requests it. This is done so that the owner's car, or one s/he allows to park across it, is not wrongly fined. So be nice to your neighbour with the driveway.

And the retort TheBigRetort recently received from its 'neighbour' when police contacted her for blocking our car on the driveway...? 'That was a very un-neighbourly thing to do!'

Like we said, simply selfish.

In fact old Sherlock of the Yard made certain Moriarty moved the offending carriage PDQ. And the perpetrator escaped without a fine this time.

Good god, Holmes, how does TheBigRetort do it!

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Statin danger

WHEN A DOCTOR PRESCRIBED A CHOLESTORAL-LOWERING WONDERDRUG UNUSUAL MUSCLE STIFFNESS FOLLOWED... BE WARNED.

“Don't suppose we can put you down as Asian can we," he asked, pen hovering over medical report.

The doctor had a little box to tick... Statins damage Asians more than any other ethnic group. Fortunately, as a compilation of African-Cherokee-American-Irish-Welsh - and Englishman - TheBigRetort investigator did not have to fill in a box marked "mongrel". (He prefers "hybrid".)

“Only... there isn't a box for someone with your, err, ethnicity. Asians… well…they can only take half the dosage. I suppose it’s alright, isn’t it… ?” He was certainly convinced of our reporter's "ethnicity". 'I'll just put Asian shall I," the doctor ended Shipman-like.

"Err... Can I phone a friend?" was the only response to that.

Chronic aches and pains followed. Accompanied by numbness, weakness, confusion, fatigue, shortness of breath and other symptoms. But this unusual phenomenon did not end there...

Usually a happy-go-lucky chap around the office and home, the type of person who can roll with the punches, our reporter started to show signs of depression. Every little wrong – or at least what he percieved as wrong – seemed to take on a bigger and darker meaning. He reveals the feelings that were going through his tortured mind.

‘If only there was just a passing train then...' He did not need to finish the sentence.

In fact it was only after he conducted some of his own research that he discovered that he was part of a medical experiment headed towards an unknown destination.

Statins are dangerous.

Forget to do something this morning? Memory loss is also amongst the unusual side effects of Statin use.

Then there’s the nerve damage, the numbness - and other maladies too. Pancreatic rot, heart failure (which is strange given that Statins are prescribed to prevent it). And... be warned...aggression.

Gore Blimey: An inconvenient truth

“We find that whole communities suddenly fix their minds upon one object, and go mad in its pursuit; that millions of people become simultaneously impressed with one delusion and run after it, till their attention is caught by some new folly more captivating than the first.”

In reading the history of nations these words of Charles Mackay, a former Victorian editor, were a preface to the 1852 edition of his book, EXTRAORDINARY POPULAR DELUSIONS AND THE MADNESS OF CROWDS

Amazingly written as far back as 1841, it revealed how easily the masses follow ‘moral epidemics’ and how ‘imitative and gregarious men’ truly are; the Crusades (1096–1291), Tulip Mania (1636–37), Witch Mania (1668-1676), the Mississippi Scheme (1717), the South-Sea Bubble (1720) - Scotsman Mackay concluded - were all delusions.

In fact Mackay’s “Extraordinary Delusions” might have become yet another weighty tome gathering dust on a shelf at the British Library, until we started turning its pages. The book is a clarion call for sanity.

And TheBigRetort can reveal this century’s current folly... is global warming.

A recent landmark ruling at the High Court in London has burst the carbon bubble. The question recently asked: is an award-winning film more shockumentary than documentary.

Yesterday Mr Justice Burton found that the "broadly accurate" film An Inconvenient Truth could be screened in schools – but only if it was accompanied by a disclaimer by the climate change denial fraternity.

The judgement followed criticism from Stewart Dimmock, a school governor in Kent. Dimmock, also a member of a political group called the New Party, accused the Government of "brainwashing" children. (He should have read Mackay’s book…)

Mr Justice Burton forensically examined claims in the documentary and identified nine significant errors. He found that the “apocalyptic vision” presented in the film was politically partisan and not an impartial analysis of the science of
climate change. In other words not true.

Far be it from us to place words of menial discord in a judge’s mouth, this is what he actually said: “It is built around the charismatic (sic) presence of the ex-Vice-President, Al Gore, whose crusade it now is to persuade the world of the dangers of climate change caused by global warming.”

Unlike his nemesis Moses who heard a voice emanating from a burning bush - (Hello) - Gore was on a mission for Good and not from God, as the most learned and honourable judge said: “It is now common ground that it is not simply a science film – although it is clear that it is based substantially on scientific research and opinion – but that it is a political film.”

Gore was manipulating the facts to suit the delusion gene. The claims that sea levels could rise by 20ft “in the near future” was dismissed as “distinctly alarmist”. Such a rise would take place “only after, and over” thousands of years. Another untruth found by a very learned man. (I have to say that just in case I end up at the High Court myself – again.)

Mr Justice Burton added: “The Armageddon scenario he predicts, insofar as it suggests that sea level rises of seven metres might occur in the immediate future, is not in line with the scientific consensus.” A truth uncovered by a man more accustomed to getting at it.

In addition, a claim that atolls in the Pacific had already been evacuated was supported by “no evidence” – and another untruth was found.

Two graphs showing carbon dioxide levels and temperatures over the last 650,000 years were an “exact fit”. Untrue... they overstated the case.

Mr Gore’s suggestion that the Gulf Stream would shut down was also found to be untrue.

The drying of Lake Chad – untrue. Likely to result from population increase and overgrazing, and regional climate variability.

Hurricane Katrina was also a result of manmade global warming – but again this was found to be untrue.

Polar bears drowning while searching for icy habitats melted by global warming – untrue. Surely not but yes - the only drowned polar bears were four that died following a storm.

Coral bleaching – untrue. (Okay the judge said “not proved” but in court speak that means What a pile of Codswallop.) Separating the direct impacts of climate change from other factors was difficult, his judgment concluded.

The judge said that the scientific community had been unable to find evidence that proved a direct link. However, to be fair, the claims in the film were fully backed up by the weight of science too. In particular, he agreed with the main thrust of Mr Gore’s arguments on climate change; but had a dispute in how the message was being given.

In fact whilst Gore has presented himself as the Moses of the global environment many ‘deniers’ - anyone who disagrees with the Gore lobby is a ‘climate change denier’ - have long suspected that he is using global warming for a repeat shot at the White House.

But will the London ruling dampen the Gore “carbon ability” as he runs for the presidency?

As Gore's international reputation has soared, so too has his use of jet travel.

Gore’s 20-room mansion in Nashville reportedly consumes more electricity in a month than the average American “crib” in a year.

And with a frame as big as Big Al’s you can be sure he lets rip every now and again – and - phew - what the heck, downwind, during the Primaries? (Shucks Mr President we wuz only joking.)

These contradictions by Gore have added as much to the debate as man has carbon in the atmosphere. (How much carbon dioxide is there on the planet anyway? 2%, which man is responsible for some 0.2%.)

The film has won plaudits from the environmental lobby, world leaders, and received an Oscar – the latter after Academy members made their way to Hollywood in their private jets.

Until yesterday, Gore, “Moses” who would have the world believe that this apocalypse is man-induced, stood as the head of a global brand of a pseudo-religious new-age movement, but now... who knows?

Is Gore floundering at the shores of credibility like a beached whale at New Brighton, or is the Nobel winner now presidential material?

When President Bush was asked whether he would watch An Inconvenient Truth he riposted, with the familiar wisdom of Solomon, “Doubt it".

Mackay may not have known it at the time, but could the President have let slip that he was aware of the discovery of a “folly gene” specifically dating back to that branch of a tree from which Adam took that first ignoble bite? Of course this delusional ‘first’ for knowledge was blamed on Eve, who in turn fingered the serpent, but there we go again, truth or folly?

It’s a rotten apple indeed that falls from the tree and feeds the madness of the crowds and our foibles and makes enemies of us all, I hear Justice Mackay say.

If the madness of the crowd is anything to go by one thing remains certain... mankind looks likely to repeat its errors time and time again, it’s encoded into our DNA.

DIANA: Conspiracy revealed

EXT PARIS HOTEL…

Just past midnight, a grainy image captured on a security camera reveals Henri Paul, hotel security officer: He signals towards two men waiting on a scooter... later identified as paparazzi

Around the front of the hotel, other "ratz" (surely) and onlookers wait expectantly; not realising that around the back of the hotel a conspiracy is underway; Henri has been paid to tip someone off.

Million-franc shot with killer headlines:

"PRINCESS AND PLAYBOY RUN RITZ RATZ"

But the photo-first does not go to plan… and the headline becomes somewhat different.

The photograph of the backs of two heads do not make scandalous viewing, nor the shot of a bodyguard… and smiling accomplice “Henri”.

EXT PARIS STREET… the Ratz pursue the Mercedes.

Driver Henri is not affected by a couple of drinks. But then… his master in back is screaming faster! and the two Ratz (who will pay handsomely) are screaming slower!

Henri should follow his master’s command… Only there's dollar signs in his eyes. (Henri did have those “unexplained” moneys in bank accounts. And in the 8 months previous 40,000 francs in cash was paid into an account on five separate occasions.)

INTERIOR PONT D’ALMA TUNNEL… way past midnight.

Henri can’t go faster... Henri can’t go slower. Either will upset his paymasters. So what does Henri do?

He swerves to let the Ratz on the scooters overtake the car.

But what’s that ahead… too late.

Actually, not really... one Ratz gets that million-franc shot... it captures the dying moments of a people's princess.

THE END… ?

Go Go Go to NHS rehab Amy

Concerns for Amy Winehouse and other “rehab celebs” brings to mind the Priory Hospital and NHS treatment for stars.

I was first tipped off about the junkie-star-scam a number of years ago. All hush hush of course...  It was a passing comment that held my interest. The Priory Hospital, where the former 'vet' held a senior position,  apparently regularly played host to 'stars whose treatment was subsidised wholly or in part by the NHS'.

Stars on Soash..?

No. No. No.
 

RMT Walkout: Dope test cheats?

TheBigRetort uncovers the real reason behind the 'disputes' involving tube and transport workers - and it makes 'sober' reading to passengers.

Travelling home on the North London Line (overground) one evening, I happened to fall into conversation with a fellow traveller who was party to a secret... a dope secret.

He had been watching a televised football match at a pub.

Arsenal -v- Letsgetsmashed. Notably with TfL tube staff (members of the RMT Union) fans in drunken attendance.

His 'best mate' worked on the Tube and had done so for many years....

My fellow traveller warned his friend about his and other tube workers' drinking and drug taking.

His mate, who had work the next day, chuckled... then revealed their strategy for cheating - call it what it is - the transport management's 'drink and dope test safety measures'.

He told TheBigRetort that many London Transport employees who got 'smashed' at these televised drink-an-drug fests then called for a walkout.

The culprits in the transport system? "The spot checks that take place in work to find 'em." [He meant drug or drink levels.] Or at least that is the way this little 'union' saw it.

The stranger's TfL/RMT Union mate claimed that drink-and-drunk-filled 'binges' during and following matches determined transport policy in London. "Not Government... Not passenger... But drink and drugs, 'at's what determines policy. If they didn't do the tests, we'd all happily turn out,' he is alleged to have confided.

On that particular night his drinking companions (TfL staff and RMT Union members)were either so drunk or drugged that a walkout or some other action would follow that night's game.

And it did.

It was so simple... Off duty workers who had drunk alcohol could not go into work the following day as they were still 'over the limit' and a test would reveal this - they are regularly tested. The off duty workers who had been taking illegal drugs that night would only test negative days after their intake. Only then could they return to work and defeat the dope test.

In short, it is drugs that determine whether the trains run or not in this the finest capital city in the world.

Don't believe me? Look at the Arsenal game on the 25th September.

And remember... you heard it at TheBigRetort.

Dr Victoria Anyetei murder: man arrested

Kent Police have made an arrest following its investigation into the murder of DR Victoria Anyetei, 53.
Anyetei, a devout Christian, worked as a locum consultant paediatrician at St Thomas’ Hospital, London.
Her body was discovered by her 19-year-old son in her silver Toyota Avensis in Dartford, Kent, at 10.20am on the 14th August.

Is Superboy Superman?

Up! Up! And away!!

A piece of legal history written on planet Earth may set a precedent about the copyright ownership of a dead author's work.

Superboy was a “joint work” between Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. However, fast forward to a world dominated by the dastardly legal profession. A chunk of rock has recently been thrown at the Man in Tights, not in the form of deadly Kryptonite... but the American copyright code; itself influenced by European copyright law... and there’s a first.

In 1948, in a previous suit between Jerry Siegel and DC (then called “Detective Comics Inc.”) it was found that Superboy was “separate and distinct” from Superman.

Siegel was found to be its “sole originator.”

The case was settled with DC paying the authors for the “sole and exclusive” rights.

Many believe the pair, who died in some poverty it is said, were ripped off. However, following the authors' deaths, a 1976 revision to the copyright laws allowed the Siegel family in 2002 to give a notice of termination of that agreement. Any grant of rights Jerry Siegel made in 1948 would be undone in 2004. However, DC filed a counterclaim and the present Superboy suit (no pun on earth intended) seeks a determination on this.

The 1948 ruling lacked the jurisdiction to determine copyright issues; purview of the federal courts; the court's then findings were deemed to be relevant to some of the copyright issues (most notably, whether Superboy was a work for hire).

Four issues now surround the Superboy copyright:

was the work “derivative”? (In other words, if it was based on Superman there is nothing copyrightable about it);
if any of the copyrightable material in Siegel’s Superboy submissions was in fact later published;
whether it was done as a “joint work” with Joe Shuster, whose rights to Superboy have since gone to DC; and
whether Siegel created Superboy as part of his work-for-hire agreement.

The Judge ruled that Siegel’s employment contract with DC – Superboy - was not a work-for-hire (commissioned), and so the claim rests on whether it is “sufficiently original” and, therefore, includes copyrightable material. Put simply, to what extent had the Superman character been fleshed out to form Superboy?

By the time Siegel submitted his Superboy material to Detective Comics he did so with all the character’s (new) traits and attributes as well as the character’s interaction with other (new) characters.

When co-writer Shuster, one of Superboy’s creators, died without an heir, DC became the de facto owner of his portion; which pitted the conglomerate against Jerry Siegal’s heirs for interest in the franchise.

Originally the copyright code only allowed rights to be held to the first legal date that a work ‘reconverts’ to its author. In Superboy’s case that date has passed... Now truth, justice, and the American way of doings things, look set to be challenged in Superboy versus Superbaddy.

But all things equal under the same sun – whatever its colour – the case centres around what legal Lex Luthors term "copyright reversion deadline”.

Imagine if you will.... a courtroom.

Imagine, if you will... a jury.

In fact, imagine further, if you will... a judge (usually black) and attorney (usually white after all this is Hollywood).

Jerry Siegel pitched an idea about the early life of Superman, the later (or should that be earlier?) Superboy. And here I must approach the bench... because the chicken and the egg of it is... which came first?"

Siegel made his original Superboy submission in late 1938, before Action Comics was a year old, later known as DC Inc, by then the planet Krypton had exploded and spread throughout a galaxy and...

Well, you know the rest.

But what you may not know is that many light years away, on planet Earth, an earthling author had established the early days of Superman as a boy, and the Kents, then unnamed, and a host of pre-characters good and bad later entering into the Superman comic books too. It's almost as if Superman had flown round the earth several times and whoosh!!! created a copyright paradox.

Siegal's work was not part of any “work for hire” agreement. In other words specifically commissioned by DC Inc. The Federal government allowed all contemporary contracts to be terminated on “end dates”. The Siegel family is exercising a legal right to terminate the contract at its end date. (Superman’s copyright enters the public domain at 2013, which may make this a fruitless task.)

The subject is not the man, but the boy; not Jerry but Clark, or Con-El, or Kale-El, or - bloody ‘el how confusing. Anyway, you know what American lawyers are like, Superboy v Superman is a modern day challenge to the whole concept of copyright and trademark, a ‘front running case’, and one that will change our concept of copy and our rights to it.

But this is not just about reversion rights right…?

In fact, the real question being posed in similar cases - across America! - is can someone own a trademark of something that they do not in fact own the copyright to?

Many see it as a “greed” on the side of the Siegal family versus the corporate greed of a major American conglomerate - DC Comics.

Whilst DC Inc claims the character was derived from an existing character - one that the creator signed the rights away to, his surviving family argues that Superboy, with all that alien teen angst, was totally unique, and that the author's ‘fleshing out’ of Superman, an existing character, was enough to make Superboy truly “original”.

But surely younger characters are simply extensions of the adult characters, my super hearing hears you say.

Not so... When Superman/Superboy were written 'back story’ was a new concept — and the “spin-offs” that followed a writer's ‘fleshing’ were unknown. (I always wrote a detailed back story to my characters at the BBC. Mostly this history never made it to the screen but acted as a character ‘bible’, a blueprint for the character's motivation. I should also mention at this point that I sued the BBC for copyright theft, and lost. Oops!)

Taking a man, and turning him into a boy in character terms was a radical idea back then. Jerry’s pitch allowed elements of his creation to be carried over into the later Superman comics (as did mine at the Beeb. So Superman’s character was a derivative of Jerry’s Superboy creation; and not a part of any character bible he was employed to write which did not exist... then. (An important point.I once wrote a whole monologue at the BBC for a series.... It ended up in another episode that I wasn’t paid or credited for!)

All the two super heroes had in common was that they were both extraterrestrial, wore a costume, shared a name, and went on to wear eyeglasses.

Many claim that the Siegal family is bringing the case through “pure greed”. If so, it is a greed that is matched by DC's; it has not surrendered the rights which formed the original legal agreement.

In addition, regardless of the 1976 revisions to copyright law, where would Superboy be without his S-emblem: if not just a red cloak flying across the vacuum of copyright ‘space’?

But space is not truly a vacuum a lawyer will argue. DC will still have the Superman trademarks. Won’t it?

Actually the Superman Trademark itself may also be subject to later legal challenge. Superboy is being used to actually settle the rights to Superman and the trademark itself; a front running case that will mold future copyright law and trademark ownership. The question now is whether Siegel’s Superboy and the lack of “young Superman” stories early in the character’s publication history of “Superman” may allow “Superboy” to be different enough, proving that even on Planet Krypton schizophrenia may be a problem, caused not by a red sun but by its legal profession.

Apparently the creators were put on a small stipend with paid health care until they died, out of “respect”. As one blogger Thomas Strand states (and here in my edited quote): “…the creators of Superman were literally in the poor house, living in poverty without health care, etc. Corporate America keeps raking in the money, and these guys who CREATED Superman get to die penniless. How is that fair? Finally the US copyright code is giving their families the legal ability to regain the copyrights and return them to the families that created Superman.”

In 2013 the Superman copyright will be transferred back to the families, whatever the eventual outcome, and Superman may not be available for anyone – and that’s a shame Mr Luthor

So, is it a bird? Is it a plane? No... essentially it's a lawsuit.

[Author’s note. I have attempted to deliver a potted history of the case, but due to the exigencies of time - spent with my young daughter mostly - I may not have done it justice. See Grumpy Old Fan, and Thomas Strand, mentioned above, for theirs and other specialist views linked.]

Geox Sucks

By combining a microperforated rubber sole and a breathable waterproof membrane, the Geox system lets perforation go out through the sole keeping feet dry and healthy. At least that's what a certain shoe manufacturer claims.

So why whenever it rains does this poor 'soul' feel water seeping into his socks?

GEOX SUCKS WATER IN AND MINGLES WITH SWEAT.

SETI search: Guess it's over

In an extraordinary exclusive interview, TheBigRetort speaks to a Pentagon whistelblower who claims a message from outer space is not benign.

Clarence Dacre, former staff officer at the Pentagon, claimed 'first contact’ with an extra-terrestrial civilisation has already happened – it took place thirty years ago.

Apparently it began when a strong, narrow band radio signal was inadvertently picked up by an early SETI researcher. He circled the discovery on the computer printout and wrote "Wow!" alongside.

The comment stuck ever since.

But the signal, said to have lasted for a total of 72 seconds, which bore all the expected hallmarks of potential extraterrestrial contact, remained a one-off, a 'possibility' never repeated.

Or so it seemed... because the human race may be about to go the way of the dinosaur.

Alerted to Mr Dacre’s claims by a correspondent in North Carolina, we were forced to make contact via a combination of email and phone number relays.

We encountered an astonishing conspiracy that started at a simple PO Box in Galveston, Texas - and leads right up to the Whitehouse.

"Forget global warming," we were warned, "Gone too are those petty disputes based on nationality and race - for there is only one 'race'." And although that race may be human if our source is to be believed this may soon change.

Intrigued... we decided to make contact with the mysterious Mr Dacre.

After repeated attempts however, when we finally spoke to the man at the other end of the phone... he seemed agitated - and far from thrilled.

"I have to be cautious. My pension... it could be revoked. They're watching and reading everything."

[In the three hour (taped) interview Dacre would not be drawn on who 'they' were, simply stating that it would soon become 'evident to all'.]

After we managed to gain his trust, Dacre opened up. He claimed that he had recently been dismissed from a specialist department within the US Air Force. He alleged that SETI (The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) was initially funded through a shell company that was really a front for the National Security Agency (NSA), which moved to PR mode to downplay the Wow! signal's significance.

But that was thirty years ago, Jimmy Carter was President of the USA.

Dacre reminded us that President Carter had been a strong believer in UFOs and he was being secretly briefed by the NSA.

“The NSA simply distanced itself from the SETI programme,” he told TheBigRetort.

Astonishingly however, Mr Dacre claims that another message also of ‘non-terrestrial and non-solar-system origin’ was recently received as early as 2004. "Only it’s not a message… it’s an instruction."

An instruction for what?

“ET is attacking us by stealth. Using our own computers against us.” Dacre insists. He claims that the US government, in tandem with other 'friends', know that the interstellar computer virus arrived from a star system approximately twelve light years from our solar system. "A stone's throw on the galactic scale of failing suns!"

The question raised at the Whitehouse is now that 'they' (the aliens) have the system at their disposal, what are they going to do with it?"

According to Dacre, Pentagon officials believe that these ‘Botnets’ may start breaking encryption codes quite soon. (Ironically this could be done in a similar fashion to the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence project (SETI.) itself.)

"The first time in history that we have made ‘contact’ and now a supercomputer is under the control of an extraterrestrial source that we invited in,” Dacre opined.

SETI declined to be drawn into the claim that the Wow! signal had been 'confirmed' over three decades ago, a star system plotted, and that a second later signal also arrived, quite recently. In fact it is this later signal that is the true cause of the ‘Storm Worm’ virus that is currently infecting home computers and being attributed to 'criminals'.

A SETI press officer responded, “We use a distributed network of computers to decipher many signals from outer space. We have to study all of the data, so we don’t yet know if this thing commenced with us. However, if this is confirmed, and I don’t say that it is confirmed, perhaps it’s a way of saying Hello, who knows.”

Dacre responded with a chortle, “The Botnet is closer to five million… and growing. Unlike SETI, the storm is working secretly in the background - so it doesn't take all resources, which is clever, very clever - and so the host - the computer - remains unaware of its presence. That’s hardly saying ‘Hello’ or of benign intent…. It's learning by stealth.”

We put it to Dacre that the Storm did not amount to a supercomputer, whatever the source of the attack.

He explained irritably, “It doesn’t take a supercomputer. All it takes is a wide range of computers – at home – and that’s what concerns the Pentagon.”

We asked why?

“Having resources like that….at their disposal…distributed around the planet from another planet… with a high presence… and in a lot of countries…Well?” He ended saying “Global warming… Increased surveillance. This is the perfect place, a planet that is being quickly terraformed and an uncaring apathetic species on it. One day we are going to go to bed and the next…?” He saw no need to finish the statement.

Recent reports claim that a “Storm Worm” botnet virus has been estimated to have between one and five million computers under its control. – without the owner’s knowledge – and is currently creating a cluster in home computers. There has been some speculation as to its origins.

So could an ‘outside’ force currently be worming its way into millions of home PCs whilst their owners remains unaware be of its non-terrestrial origin?

We asked a contact based at IBM for her views on the virus. (To say she was nervous is an understatement.)

“This one’s hot…” she stated. “It’s more powerful than Blue Gene, so anything and all things possible it is being considered. I don’t know myself what’s going on, I don’t have that type of clearance, but there are people here connected to the military who have disappeared. I heard that they are having high-level briefings at a secret location outside of Washington, that much I can say.” (‘Blue Gene’ is a reference to IBM's Blue Gene/L supercomputer.)

Apparently due to its high number of distributed nodes, the Storm Worm’s cluster can scale faster and a lot larger than any supercomputer on earth.

Whatever its origins the cluster now has a combined computing power greater than the most powerful supercomputer in existence – which is alarming.

A NASA press officer initially scoffed at the Clarence Dacre Claims, as we labelled them. But later, after checking ‘with the big boys’, he turned rather officious indeed.

"This is not a quote,” he instructed. “This is on background.” (In other words for your ears only.) “Understood? Repeat background.” He continued, “I am willing to confirm that there is debate – not 'at the highest levels’ as you claim - as to the validity of a million-strong cluster of computers (or more) being comparable to a supercomputer. However, I am assured that it takes more than a pile of CPUs and RAM to make a super computer. In fact one scientist here says that it’s like comparing an army of snipers with a nuclear weapon.” (He laughed at this.)

“A supercomputer like Blue Gene has millions of dollars of R&D, tweaked I/O and an optimised operating system. In all, it's a system with substantial differences to a botnet. As for that connection with NASA and the NSA… well, frankly, it’s baloney," he said. He did not want to dignify Dacre’s claims of extra-terrestrial origin with a response. “Save to say, and don’t quote me, the man has a drink problem.”

But TheBigRetort had never mentioned a debate 'at the highest levels’ in any of our questions to NASA… it was aimed at NSA which refused to comment. Nor had we mentioned any connection between NASA and the NSA. And neither did tea-totalling Clarence Dacre have 'a drink problem'.

So, threat to world security, coverup, hoax? If so, to what ends?

After so many decades of looking up to the sky into the far reaches of outer space and asking Are We Alone, is that answer simply laying at our fingertips?

[Editor’s note. Whilst going to press we received email from the Pentagon press office. “There is no Lieutenant Paul(sic) Dacre employed at the Pentagon, or in any of are (sic) armed services,” it read. “Neither is there a Lieutenant Dacre employed at Nontestcom.” An extremely interesting response indeed… TheBigRetort had never mentioned Dacre’s rank - he had not informed us of it – nor a "Nontestcom”, which stands for Non-Terrestrial Communications. Unfortunately efforts to confirm the above with ‘Lieutenant’ Paul 'Clarence' Dacre have proved fruitless. His phone line has been terminated. Utility companies claim that no one with the name has ever resided at the address and the PO Box initially used for contact has ceased. Asked who settled the bill, the local shopkeeper controlling it said, “Nontestcom.”]

DO YOU KNOW OF A LIEUTENANT PAUL OR CLARENCE DACRE? DO YOU KNOW OF NONTESTCOM? IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD TO THIS INTRIGUING STORY, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH.

New mortgage scam warning

American scamBusters Audri, Jim and Pete bring alarming news from across the Pond that should prove a dire warning for homeowners strapped for cash in dear old Blighty...

Apparently, low interest rates and soaring house prices have encouraged "predatory practices” in America – resulting in the theft of houses, literally.

The con artists use three basic schemes to steal a victim’s home, or as much of the equity in it as possible.

There are many variations, but here’s the basic three:

1) "Equity Stripping" or "Bailout". The scammer "rescues" the victim by getting them to surrender the title deeds, promising that s/he can rent and buy back the house later.

But the scammer simply bleeds the property of most (or all of) the equity and the homeowner usually loses the house.

2) Phantom Help. The supposed “rescuer” charges very high fees for basic phone calls and paperwork that the homeowner could have done himself.

Often, the scammer promises to represent the homeowner in an effort to "work things out", but it's never followed through.

The scammer will insist that the homeowner ignore notices and phone calls from the lender or its agents, almost guaranteeing that the house will be seized. By the time the homeowner knows s/he's been conned, it's too late.

3) “Bait and Switch.” The scammer masquerades as a legitimate housing counselor, armed with mounds of legal documents -- often for new loans to "solve" the homeowner's problem. In reality, the owner signs forged documents that give the scammer ownership.

To make things worse, the victim still owes money for the mortgage, but no longer has the house.

To find potential victims, the scammers consult public notices and purchase lists of bad borrowers from companies that specialise in compiling lists.

They also target people of similar racial, ethnic, religious, and age backgrounds in order to build the trust of potential "pigeons".

Remember… It’s the scammer who wants your bricks and mortar. As the Scambusters rightly point out, "Most banks are not in the business of maintaining or selling property. They're in the business of lending money."

In America, the scams are so new that the law is scrambling to catch up… Prevention is the best remedy.

But after our American cousins rid themselves of this nasty virus, will we catch the same cold?

[For a more in depth study http://www.scambusters.org]

Rightmove: is London falling?

Figures revealing the ‘largest monthly fall in asking prices' since the survey began claim to reveal that London 'fell' by an earth-shattering 2.5%.

An earth-shattering two-point-five.

But don't worry too much... as TheBigRetort reveals, the so-called experts have got it wrong - again. (Caveat follows: For now at least.)

Relatively few new instructions took place during the time that the figures cover; August is a month for holidays not usually given to slogging under the eaves.

To be sure the Rightmove report acknowledges this – but then ignores it.

So why is Rightmove using its data to shoot at the HIP?

Apparently rightmove isn't alone in singling out the introduction of HIPs as a major contributory factor… “The drastic fall of 41% in new instructions for detached houses illustrates the impact of HIPs,” one expert reports.

But is this the case?

Such statements, given the admission that these figures cover the holiday season, seem suspect. Detached houses are not kept from sale due to the cost of a £500 HIP alone - if at all; but for other more mundane reasons.

The need to get the family holiday out of the way before buying and selling is one; in addition, and curiously, some of the detached houses referred to above like as not were placed on the market before the HIP itself came into effect; providing a property was marketed before that date a HIP does not apply - a troublesome point for Rightmove surely.

So why is it then that the ‘experts’ are claiming that HIP regulations and the turmoil in the world financial markets are behind the dramatic slow down?

What dramatic slowdown - 2.5%?

And add this to the mortgage pie… The Northern Rock liquidity debacle only came to light after the Rightmove figures were compiled - no reliable indicator there then.

In fact, the real lime in the mortar of the Rightmove figures I suspect are the estate agents and their asking prices (EAAPs for short); which should not be confused with seller expectation prices. The latter of which Rightmove seems oblivious.

And who compiles those SEPs? (I love doing that.)

Why those crafty estate agents of course. Not only do they understand that August is a dry season (not weather wise I hasten to add) - a time when most buyers are away, a time when few properties become actively marketed, and a time when an estate agent says, ‘If you’re not in a hurry let’s test the market’ - but also a time when they say we'll overprice slightly to get you what you want.

And test and overprice they do… With estate agent asking prices set above seller expectation prices (SEPs) in order to negotiate down, not up! - after all this isn't Scotland - everyone's a winner babe.

So how high do estate agents usually set the EAAP in a slow market?

TheBigRetort has compared its own 'data' using what it calls the Charlotte Ultimatum (nothing to do with Bourne, she's knows who she is - my estate agent) and can reveal that this is usually between 2%-2.6% above the seller's expectation.

So there.

Bank run: is C&G next?

Has Cheltenham & Gloucester found a way to beat the liquidity squeeze?

C&G is Lloyds TSB Group’s specialist residential mortgage provider.

In August 2007 it wrote to borrowers informing them on “Important information about C&G mortgages”. The mortgage lender warned:

“Cheltenham & Gloucester plc, as you may know, has been part of the Lloyds TSB Group since 1995. What we’re planning to do is change who the ‘lender’ is for your mortgage. Today it is Cheltenham & Gloucester plc. From 1 October, it will be Lloyds TSB Bank plc.”
So what does the lender have to say about its new now-it's-with-us-now-it-aint mortgage?

“This change has been prompted by new international banking regulations which come in on (sic) 1 January 2008 (called the Basil II Accord).”

But has the lender been adding a little too-much Basel to the sub-prime lending stew in order to hide its US stake?

"Basel II is an effort by international banking supervisors to update the original international bank capital accord (Basel I), which has been in effect since 1988. The Basel Committee on Banking Supervision, on which the United States serves as a participating member, developed Basel II. The revised accord aims to improve the consistency of capital regulations internationally, make regulatory capital more risk sensitive, and promote enhanced risk-management practices among large, internationally active banking organizations. Revisions to Basel I-based rules also are under consideration."

The C&G move is due to be heard at the High Court on the 20th September.

Maggie and I: Encounter with the Iron Lady

Attending a wedding at St Paul's Cathedral I saw a familiar face treading behind the newlyweds.

It was only after we exchanged pleasant 'nods' and 'hellos' that I realised I knew her... and yet we had never met.

It was former Prime Minister now Baroness Thatcher.

'Thatcher!' one of my friends screamed when they heard of the encounter.

Don't know why people do that. You just need to mention her name and they scream, Thatcher! (Well the people I usually hang round with do.)

However it was our encounter later at the reception that has since been written into the history books. It began following a failed attempt to speak to another wedding guest who was having none of it. Pleasantries with me that is.

Whether it was my attire - casual - or the video camera I had used outside the church (Sony), or me in general - George Michael chin - I don't know. Probably a mix of all of these things and more. It is true to say that this 'knight' did not like the cut of yours truly as I introduced myself.

'And who did you say you were with?' Incredulity sounded in his voice. The bride was a former client and friend of my wife's so...

He looked aghast. 'I'm....Sir William Smith!' (Not his real name.) 'I'm a Member of Parliament! And so is my wife!' he exclaimed without prompting and with a Match That air.

'Ah... really?' I responded. The woman was stood away from our conversation. She did look vaguely familiar. I later had heard that she did not like darkies and had made tasteless and controversial jokes about dead foreigners.

I was going to say that I'm with TheBigRetort but--

--'Ah, there's Margaret! he thundered, 'Must go!'

And with that I was left looking at empty space.

But there is a defining moment in every one's life when we ask: Am I Going to Be Dismissed From The Social Calendar That Easily?

Moving James-Bond-like between him and the former prime minster, I took her hand. 'Hello, M, how are you?' I said. 'Morgan, John Morgan.'

'Hello dear!' she bellowed back in that familiar voice. Softened somewhat by those senior years, "M" looked quite good all told. (Born in Liverpool, I always shorten peoples names. She knew that. I was the first to call Liz Hurley "Liz".)

Sir William must have thought the PM and I were mates because all the old windbag could muster was 'Of course!' Followed by a sound that I took for capitulation. 'Harrumph!' he went.

The daughter's a bit of a beauty and there being no better title than "Daddy", I forced her towards my target.

'Margaret, may I introduce my daughter to you?'

'Of course! Hello dear!' came Maggie's delighted and forceful reply.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the daughter, like Sir William, did not do the hello thing very well. She looked at her feet, did not respond to questions from this stranger, and pretty much ignored all the platitudes bestowed on her by the Iron Lady. So there was I a sort of envoy between the canapes.

From Toxteth to Whitehall.

Arise Sir John, knight of the round table I saw entered in the yearbook of my demolished Secondary Modern. (The building was knocked down. The yearbook was nicked.)

The PM and I fell into an easy banter. My daughter enchanting her (via me it must be said). Me enchanting me.

Baroness Thatcher: 'And how old are you?'

Daughter Stony Silence.

Me: Five.

Baroness Thatcher: 'Ah... Believe it or not I can still remember when I was your age..'

Daughter Stony Silence.

Me: 'I'm sure you can.'

Baroness Thatcher: 'And that was a long time ago!'

Daughter Stony Silence.

Me (lamely and bad idea): 'Nonsense! You don't look a day over fifty'

Baroness Thatcher suddenly goes all Belgrano. Eyes narrow to slits. What was she thinking? Creep? She was too much of a lady to say.

Well, in a BigRetort exclusive I can reveal a state secret. That hard-nosed Iron Maiden with the heart of stone is secretly a little softy, turned by a five-year-old - and Dad of course.

And what of Sir William, I hear you ask.

Banished abroad (they call it the 'countryside') with his Tory wife. where you don't see many dark faces but still hear them 'jokes'.

MAGGIE AND I. MAGGIE AND ME. MAGS AN' RAGS. I haven't yet decided on a title. But all offers duly considered.

Is this traffic mismanagement I see before me?

Congestion charge... Penalty charge... Bus Lane contravention... you can see where this is leading. TheBigRetort exposes a scandal which threatens to drive a coach-and-horse-shit through City Hall - and with it Ken Livingstone's orifice.

The thorn in the Mayor's side? A 'money box junction' situated at Lewisham Way/Parkfield Road, recently nominated as one of England's busiest and noisiest interchanges.

It may seem strange to ask but ask I shall - weren't yellow box junctions designed to increase traffic flow - as Transport for London claims - or are they simply money-raking, tax-gathering, toll gates, the ME stand YOU deliver of 21st Century government?

And whilst we are on that particular rant... will mayoral candidate that toff from Henley on Thames get the votes with moving traffic contraventions as his 'ticket'? (He's not an old fogey, he's a yogey; a young fogey.) Or will that right-leaning ego-driven shock jock from London's Biggest One-way Conversation (?) Nick Ferrari opt for less tax on a Mercedes and throw his fat wallet into the ring? (Come on Nick, mate, join the race. The, err, human race.)

Actually I haven't got a clue... I'm more interested in what the (new) mayor is going to do for that London minority being 'driven' to extinction - ethnically cleansed? - that great unwashed: the car owner. (It used to be No Blacks No Irish No Dogs. Now it's No 4x4s.)

TfL should have conducted an impact study into the traffic flowing through this junction, but look at the picture... Try to guess what's missing. Here's a clue. Moving traffic contraventions...three words synonymous with 'stealth' and 'Tax' and Transport for London has the same letters at the beginning of each word as Tax for London. TfL... Gerrit?

Unmasking Jack - the series continues

When HORACE SKINNER wandered through the unfinished building to play that Monday at No. 1 Hansler Road, south-east London, he did not realise that he had entered a house of horror - until he moved upstairs. In the backroom, in the centre of the floor... he saw her. The year was 1886... June... 9am. But the time and date had ceased to have any meaning to the woman: she was dead.

"Fearful wound"... "Evidence of struggle"... the papers reported. "Horrible discovery near East Dulwich" the South London Observer headlined. Adding that her throat was cut in two places. And Scotland Yard also ticked 'foul play' on the to-investigate list. What unfolds comes from press cuttings of the time. Alongside birth, marriage and death records, and census returns covering the decades concerned, these make interesting reading...

MR HARDY, a surgeon, examined the deceased. She lay in the centre of the floor. Her forehead was resting on her arm. Her features were not recognisable: they had been 'eaten away'. The doctor also found a 'deep' incised wound across her throat. A white handled table-knife was at her left side... he concluded that she had slit it herself.

Thirty-three year old CATHERINE MELLOWS had been missing from her Peckham home since Tuesday 18th May. Husband THOMAS "JOYNES" MELLOWS claimed his wife had a 'presentment' that she would not outlive the day. Apparently she could not sleep at night. On several occasions she had stated that she would commit suicide. 'She had been in a very low state for some time, and seemed depressed by the cares of a large family,' Mellows told the coroner. However it was not until the Thursday morning - two days after her disappearance - that he finally contacted police: her body remained undiscovered for six weeks. A deposition given by domestic help Alice Johnson also alleged that Catherine was behaving 'very strange'that day. When Alice 'missed her' it was between two and three that afternoon; like Mellows the servant did not recognise the knife. But it seemed of little or no importance.

What might seem strange to some is back then coroners' courts sat above the local pub, in this case the St George and Dragon in Camberwell. But coroner GEORGE PERCEVAL WYATT must have had one eye firmly on the bar - suicide was the vedict. "On the 18th May last, witness left home between 8 and 9 in the morning and returned between 5 and 6 o'clock." [South London Press, Saturday July 3, 1886, p2c1.] The reporting into the case seems to cover the husband's alibi and does not speculate on why Catherine chose that particular house - which was still under construction. Or, for that matter, if husband Thomas, a master builder, was constructing it. Mellows had insured his young wife's life for the then not too insignificant sum of five hundred pounds. He did not inform police about his wife's disappearance on the Tuesday - or that she was suicidal - until two days later. Perhaps a standard forty-eight hours notice was needed to file a missing person's report in 1886.

But if Catherine (we don't know if she was left-handed) could slit her own throat right to left as claimed, couldn't the same be said of a right-handed assailant standing in front of her? [In fact a left-handed assailant standing behind or beside Catherine could have cut her in this manner. Two years later, another assailant's cuts were made from left to right. "WAS JACK THE RIPPER LEFT-HANDED?" Stawell Heard concludes Jack was right-handed.]

Forensic science has moved on since 1886, and it is entirely feasible that Catherine Mellows, like the Ripper victims who followed two years later, could have been been strangled, her throat cut afterwards. [Police must have speculated. If so, it does not find its way down to us. In fact, it's entirely plausible - when one ignores the depositions of Mr Mellows who arguably had an incentive in the form of £500 - that Catherine's throat was cut after strangulation. This could have been done wherever the body was positioned, in other words sitting or laying on the ground.] And if that happened Thomas Joynes Mellows would have been the prime suspect.

The above suggests that the handedness of the person is uncertain. (If it was anyone other than Catherine that is.) The doctor's discovery of 'a deep' incised wound across her throat adds even more uncertainty. Newspapers inform us that a white handled table-knife lay at Catherine's left side. QED: it must have been suicide. However was it the position of the knife that led to the assumption that the wound had been inflicted from right to left - therefore, by Catherine' own hand, or was was it the depositions of Mr Mellows and his servant? Perhaps it was both and more. News starved we are left in the dark... the mysterious death at Dulwich quickly moved to a close. And yet...

UNFINISHED BUILDING? BUILDER HUSBAND? FEARFUL WOUND? EVIDENCE OF STRUGGLE? FOUL PLAY? INSURANCE MONEY? MYSTERIOUS KNIFE? Why the rats never went to the open wound of her throat is a mystery (they went for her face instead), but did this obscure tell-tale evidence of anything other than suicide? Had the victim's face been mutilated? CSI Miami Victorian London was not...

Jack the Ripper started his murderous rampage two years after the suicide of Catherine Mellows. Since that time, the dexterity of the Whitechapel/City of London slayer has been commented upon; was he right, left, or both handed? [She, he, they - we don't really know the true sex of the Ripper, or whether it was more than one person actually.] If Catherine slit her own throat she should have been left-handed (or ambidextrous). If she wasn't then that is clearly problematic. And it begs the question: could it have been an insurance job?

Thomas Mellows had insured his wife's life to the value of £500. The South London Observer, July 2, 1890 carried some advice. "Many persons are entirely ignorant of the lamentable consequences which may follow the neglect to make a will. Suppose, for example, a husband die intestate and without children, the widow takes only one half of her husband's personality, and the remaining half become divisible between the husband's next-of-kin, generally his brothers and sisters or their descendants, sometimes very distant relatives - whilst with regard to the realty the widow is only entitled to a life estate in one third as her dower." This was met by a bill in Parliament four years after Catherine Mellows' death and that provided that when a man died leaving no issue and real and personal estate not exceeding £500, the widow should take all of that sum. Amounts above £500 the widow was only allowed up to that amount, the rest becoming divisible amongst the husband's next-of-kin. Thomas Mellows took his wife's 'personality'. He knew beforehand how much insurance money he was going to get.

Thomas Joynes Mellows was born in Nottingham in 1837. The 1861 Census records him unmarried, twenty-three years-old, a 'fruit salesman' residing at 3 Spread Eagle Yard. His mother was Elizabeth, aged 58, the only other occupant being unmarried sister, Anne, aged twenty nine, listed, liker her mother, as a 'green grocer'. [Father "John" is listed deceased on his son's 1862 marriage certificate. Could the middle name "Joynes" be a corruption following a misreading?] Even after his move south to London Mellows remained a greengrocer. His first wife SUSANNA HARKER, whom he married in 1862, died nine years earlier than Catherine in March 1877, aged 38; the cause of death given as pthisis; a vernacular for TB, or pulmonary tuberculosis. The symptoms leading up to death are quite gruelling, the patient is overwhelmed by a large quantity of unmixed blood as it gushes up, and the victim dies from loss of blood or suffocation. Picrotoxin, a powerful convulsive poison was used, principally to check night sweats in phthisis by accelerating respiration. It was also used to adulterate beers, increasing their reputation as intoxicants. Susanna left her (then)'commission agent' from Nottingham with four children. Barely ten months after Susanna's death, at the age of 41, he married CATHERINE PORTORS, aged 25. Six months later she gave birth to their first child. Eight years later she was dead... a mysterious suicide. The Mellows-Portors union produced three issue; in addition to the five from the previous marriage. [The family must have formed a large clan. Additionally, any issue born and dead between the census years would not be recorded.]

Could the care of the children be the reason why Catherine Mellows ended her own life?

According to the 1881 Census the family resided in London's Holborn. Only five children were listed; two from the previous marriage to Susanna, three from Catherine's January 1878 marriage. Two girls and a boy from the first marriage are not present. [Catherine's first child had died. It is not known what happened to the others from the first marriage, save for Thomas jnr... More on whom later. Still, breakfast must have been a bloody nightmare.] But then... Catherine's child Lemuel, a boy, born on the 22 February 1886, has a death recorded at the FRC four months later on the 7th June - thirty days after Catherine is said to have committed suicide by her own left-handedness. Lemuel's death could not possibly have been the cause of his mother's anguish. It was a passing that seems to have gone without remark at his mother's inquest; Lemuel died between the death of his mother and the coroner's court, the discovery of Catherine's body, and the inquest into it, followed just weeks later. Did Lemuel pass away due to abandonment on the 18th? Or is it possible that Catherine did not go missing until after the baby's death? [Hansler Road was still under construction... Why was the site closed from the 18th May until the discovery of Catherine's body 6 weeks later? Her body was described as being badly decomposed. Between the child's death and the discovery of her body three weeks had passed, but could her life have ended after the 7th June? These are the questions that Mr Mellows should have been asked. If the death of Catherine Mellows was due to foul play then a significant inducement could have been the £500 life insurance. However.. there is also another intriguing possibility. If Catherine Mellows was murdered was she known to her killer and had she become in his eyes a whore?

Coming soon in TheBigRetort... The Excellent House that Jack Built.

KERB CRAWLING - Humphrey Hatty investigates various means

I've given up calling Plod. He does not tell me what constitutes an emergency - which the 999 system was set up for I know - but it's only when I dial all the Nines that he then tells me what doesn't. Dropped kerb parking is one that 'apparently and what if sir' - according to local police at Lewisham - doesn't. Many's the time I've had a car or skip parked on the driveway - the latter for building work - when some Mork or Mindy has pulled up and left their car blocking the driveway: effectively trapping mine in. Weird innit I know, but that's life in "Kool Britannia" or Londineum. 'Anyroad' (as me old mam might say by way of meaning 'anyway') the Romans would not put up with it...

The 'route' of the problem
One couple thought I was being unreasonable. They had blocked my skip in overnight... even though it was due to be exchanged for a new one. She screamed that I didn't know who I was messing 'wit'. He screamed equally loudly that I was a 'clot' who had better not 'diss' him, and I had better 'watch it'. 'You don't know him,' the wife warned. I was actually 'datting'' him in terms of 'dat's' my drive don't block it... please. However... surprising how polite one becomes when someone you 'don't know'? threatens to drag you out of the old memsahib zone. Another user of the driveway was also a 'neighbour'- friendliness, consideration etc - who had parked halfway across the driveway, again trapping my car in. She could not see what all the fuss was about. 'I've been working thirteen hours today, and I don't need this,' she said. Adding with visible and contemptuous frustration - a real memsahib - 'You're the only one in the street with this kind of set up anyway!' This was opined in full realisation of what she thought the problem was - mainly, that I had a driveway and she didn't. I've since discovered that she does have a studio so following that same rule I shall move TheBigRetort to the bottom of her garden. I must admit that I was eventually none too polite to both; the first two called me 'wanker' (some truth there) and the other found me 'quite rude'. (Could be a bit of truth in that too as I did use language described in a PC-world as 'strong'.) Still, if an Englishman's home is his castle, then his driveway has to to be the drawbridge... Not according to the Sheriff's men. 'We'll deal with it in a couple of hours, sir. Bit busy now (fighting crime you wally).'

Parking Adjacent to a Dropped Kerb
Depending on who I get I have been told there is no crime in parking across a driveway. It's all about whether it's access or egress. But is that true?
Section 14 of the London Local Authorities and Transport for London Act 2003
introduced a new parking contravention of parking adjacent to a dropped kerb. This is defined as any part of the foot way or verge where it has been lowered to meet the level of the carriageway for a road for the purpose of (a) assisting pedestrians to cross or (b) assisting vehicle to enter or leave the road across the foot way or verge. Clearly, the purpose is to stop vehicles blocking these lowered kerbs and preventing them being used for their intended purpose.

Residential premises
In the case of residential premises with a driveway (not shared with other premises), where the purpose of the dropped foot way is to assist vehicles to enter or leave the road from or to the driveway, a Penalty Charge Notice can be served. [A PNC is not issued unless requested by the occupier of the premises. A caveat without which might see a Penalty Charge Notice being issued to the occupier’s own vehicle.] A number of exemptions apply to this prohibition; for example, for boarding and alighting and loading and unloading. But don't dial 999. 'That's a Transport for London matter, sir,' will be the police response. Oh hum.

PATAS TEST CASE

The Parking and Traffic Appeals Service (PATAS) admitted today that a test case may be needed to ensure that justice for a driver is received - even though it ruled against it on appeal.

Exclusive to TheBigRetort
In a BigRetort exclusive, "John Paul Morgan -v- Transport for London (the Authority) sat yesterday at PATAS. The Appellant's concerns surrounded his right to halt in a junction box where traffic in front dictated.

The Adjudicator
Andrew Harman, representing PATAS wrote, "The adjudicator, having considered this appeal on the basis of written and personal evidence from the Appellant and written evidence from the Authority, has refused the appeal." The prohibition is set out in the Traffic Signs Regulations and General Directions 2002, Schedule 19, Part 2, Paragraph 7, in which it is claimed:
'...no person shall cause a vehicle to enter the box junction so that the vehicle has to stop within the box junction due to the presence of stationary vehicles.'

But where were the stationary vehicles?
There were no stationary vehicles at the point Morgan's vehicle entered the box, and so the reason for the adjudicator's refusal makes confusing reading. Mr Andrew Harman explained when he wrote: "The prohibition is silent as to whether such stationary vehicles have to be inside or outside the box junction." In this case there were no vehicles stopped in or outside the box, the problem occured later when free-flowing traffic, acknowledged by the adjudicator, was unexpectedly forced to stop inside the box.

A test case?
However, it is what Harman's adjudication went on to say that drives a coach and horses through the junction box 'theory': "The test to be applied is, in law, the state of the traffic when the driver enters the box junction." An admission that the law on this has not been fully tested, something that will find some interest amongst many drivers who have fallen foul of previous 'rulings'.
Morgan stated 'Transport for London (TfL)and PATAS take the interpretation of the regulation on what the law is silent on. In other words what it does NOT say rather than what it does. Which does not seem reasonable.' He believes the statement by PATAS points the way to judicial review.

Silent prohibition, a new term in the English language
So will Morgan be putting the yellow junction box theory to a legal test?
He believes this may be unnecessary. 'I feel certain that the law has made things much simpler than that. It's reasonable to assume that the prohibition is not silent, just misinterpreted... by those who profit most.'

Is PATAS impartial?
PATAS and the London Councils (aka TfL) share the same suite of offices, and the former is paid by the latter, which Morgan feels may affect its impartiality.
Of course, TfL may continue to fine drivers for a contravention that the regulation - the law - is silent on. And PATAS, viewed by Morgan as the monkey to its organ grinder, may continue to rubber stamp the PNCs on appeal because of this, but the road ahead looks pretty bumpy indeed.

Making a monkey out of justice
Coincidentally, Morgan discovered that PATAS is named after the monkey which avoids dense forests... surely this cannot be the reason why it cannot see the wood for the trees?

FINES SCAM CHALLENGE

The Morgan -v- Transport for London appeal took place today at PATAS (the Parking And Traffic Appeals Service). In a surprise move, adjudicator Andrew Harman dispensed with previous TfL 'evidence', and decided to consider video footage instead - made available by the Authority only after the fine was disputed. (See earlier post Lewisham Scam-Cam below.)
But why should the adjudicator choose to decide the merits of the case on the video footage alone? Is it because the photograph TfL presented of the vehicle 'stopped' on the junction box was in fact a snap of a car moving?
The adjudicator claims he does not need to consider the still photograph - in effect evidence of wrongdoing or cock up by TfL - because video footage alone is (now) 'enough' evidence. But the video footage was not what TfL supplied in support of its case against me.... Despite this, the PATAS adjudicator was unable to reach his deliberations at the Hearing, and instead claimed that he needed to view the video footage again - even though he had done so twice that day in my presence.
But let's not lose sight of the regulations in this matter. [7] [1] "no such person shall cause a vehicle to enter the box junction so that the vehicle has to stop within the box junction due to the presence of stationary vehicles". [Emphasis added.]
The video reveals that there were no stationary vehicles when my vehicle entered the box. It appears, however, that this may be open to further 'interpretation' by TfL. According to the PATAS adjudicator TfL may (and does) say... 'You should not enter the box if anything (whatsoever) causes you to stop within it.'
Asked how PATAS adjudicators maintain an impartial position - given that the organisation shares an office suite with the ALG Transport & Environment Committee - Harman claimed that this would not affect his decision making.
The Parking and Traffic Appeals Service (PATAS) claims that it "aims to provide a fast, efficient and quality service....[through] panels of independent adjudicators." Coincidentally, it considers appeals against Penalty Charge Notices issued by ALG (now known as "London Councils")whilst also coincidentally being on its payroll...

[Ed's note.. The organisation shares more than an acronym with the Patas Monkey photographed above. Erythrocebus patas is ground-dwelling, should normally avoid dense forests... and, like its namesake PATAS, junction boxes.]